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Dance with my father again

Saturday, February 26, 2011 1:32 AM

This issue ticks me off a lot especially when people barge into my life and starts blabbering tons of trash information about me. Like bitches, you don`t even know me. You could know me through false rumors and such, but the real me? Oh c`mon. You can`t even consider that as to knowing someone.

I just want them to stop!

...

His birthday will be on March 3 already.

Lately, I`ve been missing Dad a lot. I admit that when he died, I never felt this grief and longing for him. Everything was normal not until my life started to fall apart. He was the one who made this life so easy, this family to be intact and myself to be complete. I really admire how he handled this family. He did everything for us. One time, I stumbled upon his letter for us when he was still on board. It said something like, forgiving my siblings and giving them a chance to change for the better and that he`s always on our backs. He might have done wrong to us always but we also did the same, yet he`s willing to forgive us. He also said that he knows he will not live longer because of his health condition. He`s not the showy type but he do love my Mom so much and he wants me to continue giving him high grades and graduate because that`s their dream for me.

He was so important to me but I neglected it because I was blinded with those material things. Sucks to be me. I didn`t realize it when he was still alive. I haven`t said that I love him. I miss him.

Keep calm and carry on

Thursday, February 24, 2011 12:09 AM

Why can`t they leave me alone? R and me are finished, it`s almost a month now. They keep on telling me that I am just hallucinating and I am just making up stories between R and me. They don`t even know a single thing. I just want them to stop accusing me. Even though I don`t know who they are, I want them to know that I don`t want to stoop down to their level of stupidity, foolishness and insecurity. Been there, done that. It`s tiring.

I just felt so bad because of those haters on formspring. Anonymous tho.

Just needed to vent something in here.

`Cause baby, you`re a firework

Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:01 PM

Morning: We went to Tour Travel Expo at SMX Convention Center since it was a requirement for P-TOUR. Although I didn`t take it, they begged me to come. So I did. It was awesome, I saw the Korean booth and I almost ransacked the leaflets. Then we walked a lot more, we saw different booths from around the world. We got stucked to the Japan booth because they were hosting a game. Me and Diane won 3 out of 5 questions. I won a bag in the Jankenpon(rock, paper, scissors), courtesy of Japan Airlines. Cool! It would be more cool if there was food tasting. Haha.

Afternoon: Billiards then Jade`s condo. House party! :))

Night: We watched the Pyromusical Competition. We were only seating at the seaside because we only got Gold tickets for only 200 bucks. It was still awesome btw. Portugal was ze best for me. It was grand and there were fireworks on the water. UK focused on being in sync with the music. They played Firework but it wasn`t meant for my jaw to drop, I expected a lot tho. Anyway, I`ll be back on the 5th! Philippines FTW!

Can`t I love you?

Thursday, February 17, 2011 11:44 PM

R`s with someone else. A left. Okay. Tough life. What is heartbreak. Okay, love. I get it. I`m done for now. The next time someone will like me, I WILL IGNORE THEM. Ugh.

Don`t leave

Monday, February 14, 2011 10:07 PM

As usual, I celebrated my valentines day with my friends. Our only guy friend gave us flowers, Ferrero and cookies. He`s so thoughtful, right? He made my dream come true tho. It`s the first time I received flowers from a guy, well it`s a friendly gesture but it still counts.

Anyway, my valentine date ditched me - A. He didn`t text me or what. I guess what I did last month was really hurtful to him, that`s why he can`t love me again? Or maybe it`s still the high school girl ever since. I was just a rebound. I don`t know. It`s okay because I don`t love him. There`s just a teensy weensy pain; it`s just a phase - I hope.

F*ckin perfect.

Saturday, February 12, 2011 11:02 PM

Please help me to earn. I signed up in Nuffnang, please click the ads whenever there`s one.

....

Today, we had a road trip to Sta. Rosa Laguna.

at Nuvali. Shopped at the Love Bazaar!

at Mcdo Belair. We pigged out before going home.

It was really fun. I can`t even find the right words to say. I guess this is an early valentine special. Haha.

Maximum capacity

Friday, February 11, 2011 8:08 PM

Julia, we always fought about some petty things and she annoys and irritates me all the time. I hate it whenever she`s in a bad mood and she`s like about to kill someone who will block her way. She`s so selfish, a bitch and insensitive. Whenever we fought she never apologize or even look sorry. She treats me like some girl whom she can be bossy around or even belittle. She doesn`t even realize how insensitive she is and goes dramatic over petty things which doesn`t even reach the worrying stage.

Diane, she`s the one whom I was very close with. Ever since she had a boyfriend and even now that they broke up, she`s still the same. Whenever I share something, she always look uninterested. I really feel that she slipped away already from me. She was the always one who knew first everything about me regardless of whatever story it is. But now, I feel uneasy in sharing it to her.

They are always together, and me, the third girl in the picture is slowly being removed. I don`t know if they are feeling the same way, or they just don`t care. One thing`s for sure, even though I may have said a lot of bad things about them and you can consider this backstabbing.. I still want them in my life. I do want to fix everything. Yet I`m afraid that if I open up this, it would cause a fight. Maybe there`s no problem at all and I am just overreacting. Phew.

--------

Mom. She changed a lot since she had a stroke back in 2009. Her left hand is still paralyzed but she can now talk clearly, almost back to normal just her hand.

I really wanted to write about this for a long time. I just had this urge now.

I miss my mom so much. I miss how I used to sleep beside her and she rubs my back. I miss how we hang out and shop at different places. I miss eating with her in fine dining restaurants or even just at the dinner table. I miss how she worries about me all the time. I miss how she spoils me. I just miss the way we`re mother and daughter.

But now? We don`t even bond. She`s always irritated and annoyed because of our financial problems. She thinks of me as a daughter who never changed. The past Edz who was spoiled, insensitive and who just thinks for her own good. I feel like I am just a nuisance and a burden to her. Maybe if I die, she`ll be happy once again because all she`s left to do is recover and make herself healthy again. She, no longer have to think about someone besides herself.

I am really struggling to be good. It`s very hard on my part to get used to this life. I admit, I am really spoiled back then. I am an envious person. I always imagine what my life would be if we were still rich.. My gadgets won`t be sold one by one, I could still buy branded clothes, I could still have a full allowance, I won`t be an irregular and lastly, I could go to our Bohol school trip.

Everything`s impossible now. I know, we`ll somehow recover from this. But I can`t help but give up. How long? How much do I need to suffer?

Is this really worth it?

Or worst, is this really the life destined for me?

Forever, is it?

Another year

Thursday, February 10, 2011 11:15 PM

LATE! It should have been on the 3rd of this month. Maybe that`s why I`ve been itching to blog for the past few days. Anyway..

Wait

10:35 PM

Since I got my heart broken for the nth time last month and things between Andrew and me are falling into place once again. I`m quite sad with this situation. It`s because A`s here again and I`m confused with my feelings because I know I still like R. I appreciate A`s effort yet I am making the same mistake again, approaching and talking to him first and abusing the fact that he loves me. I don`t know, I know deep inside I haven`t completely moved on. I always hope that I`ll see R everyday, I still look at his profile, keeps track if he`s online and still having those missing heartbeats whenever he talks/teases me. I find myself guilty for indulging myself again in a 'something stage' with A wherein fact I would still chose R over him, again and again even if it means repeating the cycle.

I abused the word again.

Note: Sorry for my love tales, my life is uninteresting.

Terrified?

Saturday, February 5, 2011 10:29 PM

Although I still get bitter when I get to read something about him and the girl, but it doesn`t hurt so bad unlike the first time I`ve discovered what`s going on.

I guess, I`m getting better. I hope this goes on :D