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EdzRjs ♕ 120493
Asian ; Filipina
18 years of fragility.
This has been up since 2008.
Rants of LOVE, life & whatnot.


Affiliates
» AERINE.
» CLA.
» DIANE.
» EPRILIS.
» JAM.
» JANE.
» KARL.
» KATRAE.
» LITA.
» MILES.
» NIKKI.
» RAI.
» RAYNE.
» REENA.
» SAH.
» ZAI.
» JONAH`S STORIES.


Archives
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We must reinvent love
Saturday, January 29, 2011 10:57 PM
Now, I`m so confused.

I am confused about infatuation and love. I don`t know what`s real anymore. Or if these feelings that I`ve felt for my exes was real. Did I really loved them? Because if I really love them, we should still be together right now? Is love really present or it`s just overrated? For every relationship that ends, it`s not real love? Because if it`s real they would have done everything to save the relationship and stay forever.

Wow. With everything that has happened, I gave up on the idea of love. The reality of love. The trueness of love. Or if it even exists. Everything is just infatuation? I have not yet come to that point that I really love someone?
Even my longest relationship wasn`t real because we just broke up. And now the recent one, if he really loves me he would have done everything. He`s too scared to hurt me in the future because he`s worried that his love will go away eventually. That is because what he was feeling is not really love because if it is, we`re still okay now.

I have read every conversations, and now I know everything. I even asked my ex and I can say that he does not believe in love too. I kinda agree with him.

LOVE IS NOT REAL, ISN`T IT?
I don`t care if you`ll contradict me or what, but I just think this way. Maybe.. just maybe there will be this one guy who will prove me wrong. My soon to be husband. But that will take a long time.

A message worth not reading anyway
Friday, January 28, 2011 4:53 PM
To you,

Yeah. I chose to just show you my blog instead of saying this personally. Basically because this has been sort of my sanctuary where I can really express myself well and clearly.

It`s not the thought of her replacing me, the thought that hurts me.. is that you keep on saying you`re not good enough for me but there you are, crushing on someone else. Truth is, I just want to be her. I wanted to be someone you`re not staying away from, you`re drooling at, you are talking to and someone you`re wasting your time on. Someone you`re comfortable with. Unlike our relationship which cannot even surpass the friendship stage. It`s how we turned out.

The night where you ended things for us was the day that I also realized how much I love you, and as days goes by it grew more. Ironic right, you ended it but it grew more. That`s how weird I am. I wasn`t sure from the start, it was the only way that assured me that what I`m feeling is really love. How come? Honestly, I`ve had crush on you since first term right? Also, the days when we`re teasing each other 'loves' and all that flirting stuff, that`s the start of me liking you. That`s why even before the beach time happened, I already like you. Yes, I may seem a flirt but why will I agree to do that if I don`t like you and I have Andrew? Makes sense, right?
When you confessed, Sir Vincent was right, he saw a different reaction from me. I got confused, and I left Andrew without thinking twice. Then we saw each other at Mcdo and everything fell into place. There, you know the story why my feelings are strong.

That stuff that Jax was telling you about me asking something and that I should have prepared myself for the worst, I thought by asking those would make everything okay but it turned the other way around.

You still love me (not sure) or so I thought. But the thing that scares me is you forgetting me. I know it`s over but it`s one of the things that I wouldn`t want to happen that`s why I am like this. I can`t turn off my feelings suddenly.
I hate you, I do. In a different way I guess. I hate how you feel that I am not the one for you. I hate how you left me and shouldered all the blame when everything is clearly not just your fault. For all the girls you`ve had a relationship with, I believe that they don`t blame you for what you did. Maybe at first but in the end I know they`re grateful at least you`ve been together.

Why can`t I let go? Because all I wanted was a try. I don`t care if I`ll get hurt. I`m used to it. I know it`s not a good excuse but I am someone who doesn`t think twice for risks, I am not someone who gives up easily. Yet, you didn`t gave me the chance or even at least ask me if it`s okay for you to go. How can you be so sure that you`re the only one who might fuck up in the end? You see, it`s me who doesn`t deserve someone like you. You decided for my own good, is that what you call a bad guy?



On a very different note, something that would contradict everything that I wrote in the first part.

I`ve come to realize that the only reason why you gave up on me so easily, it`s what you`ve been rubbing on my face for quite a while now, MAYBE..

..you`re clearly not that in love with me. And maybe this was just some sort of misunderstanding, this is just INFATUATION to be exact. Because if this was real, you would have fulfilled everything that you said to me last week. Something like you can`t afford to lose me. Remember?

To sum this all up, I just didn`t want you to go, you`re not the only one to blame and I am so in love with you.

I don`t know if you`ve understood my point but I hope you do.

Everything written here is nonsense since we`re over and you`re not coming back, right?
Nevertheless, thank you for reading. It`s the least thing you could do anyway.

Black and white
Sunday, January 23, 2011 11:40 AM
I`ve had my fair share, I do think it`s time to give up now. I will erase every negative thoughts I`ve had for quite some time now. Forgetting is the simplest and easiest way possible.

I`m just tired of trying and all. It was worth it in the past until it was once okay but it wasn`t worth to continue. The process was tiring.

I am frustrated and devastated. I might regret it at some point in time, but I`m sure it`s not today nor tomorrow.

(This is not about a guy)

Subject rants
Saturday, January 22, 2011 7:47 PM
First week was awesome. I got no terror professors, they all seemed to be so kind. I need some challenges tho. My ORALCOM professors in both lab and lecture, doesn`t really care about grades you just have to be always present I guess. PEFORTS professor is the same, you just need to perfect your shooting skills since we`re all about basketball. RECONSE professor is also about attendance. And his quizzes are always take home. NATSC13, he`s kinda challenging because we`re gonna tackle Ecology and all those eco-related stuffs.

I wish I took up BMAT and CHEM. That would be really really challenging. Our chemistry is General and Food Chemistry. Since I`m planning to take up Culinary Arts as my specialization, that would be very interesting in my part and my passion. P-TOUR is Principles of Tourism which involves a lot of trips around the country. I REALLY WANT ALL OF THOSE SUBJECTS. I`m really dying to have 20 units. But yeah, it`s done already. I am poor, I can`t do anything now.

I was not welcome
Tuesday, January 18, 2011 9:36 PM
I can`t say that this will be the last but allow me to write because it`s hurting me a lot.

I can`t comprehend why these thoughts are bothering me.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I learned it the hard way.

I wasn`t trying to reconcile. I tried proving my point. I have my reasons for not wanting to reconcile and I don`t have to explain it because clearly, you can`t even accept and respect my opinion. All of them were against me, so how can I even gather the courage? I felt so helpless. I felt so bad. I felt that I was against the world cause apparently they were too many and I was just one.

Friends do comfort each other but they do not make decisions for one another.

Why will I force them to welcome me back, when even in the first place they can`t accept me because I have changed? I do have my friends who also hate the same thing but they accepted me because they know I chose it on my own will and they didn`t force me. They know it`s beyond the line to interfere with personal stuffs. I am not saying that I`m doing a good thing but I just want them to understand me.

Anyway, I`m thankful and grateful for everything.

Friends if you still hate me and say bad things about me after reading this, it proves that you didn`t open your heart to forgiveness. You still chose to close your mind and didn`t give me any chance. By that, I will not think twice and end our friendship.

Go ahead and tear me apart
Monday, January 17, 2011 8:07 PM
Awesome start for my third term.
Although I got jealous because they already got their Chem uniform which resembles a chef uniform. I should`ve taken that but yeah, it`s expensive. I can`t wait for fourth term. Overload. Scholarship. Chem and P-Tour. Expensive subjects but certainly fun. Ugh. But fuck I withdrawn P-Tour which was a prerequisite subject :| Good luck, I will be late and I`m not following our flowchart.

I hope until the end, this term will be awesome.

How can I?
Sunday, January 16, 2011 1:21 PM
I do put random titles on my blog.

Anyway..

It took me a long time to contemplate on what I`ll write about. Le sigh.
I feel so messed up. I feel incomplete. I got what I want. I got into third term, I have him. Yet, there`s something missing. And I can`t even figure out what the fuck it is! Or maybe I know.

I just want to be happy. Without anybody judging me. Without anybody saying bullshit to me behind my back. I just want no one to care. Just for once. It feels like I`m locked up and repressed from my own goddamn freedom.

Sometimes I dream of going to an island with just me and the beach. Soul searching? Yes. There, nobody would give a fuck on what I`ll do and probably I don`t need acceptance from any one.

I have a lot of problems but they keep on multiplying. I even have problems which should not even count as a problem! Fuck that. I`m becoming miserable. Please, I need a break. Give me a break from all your prejudices. You might hate me after reading this. But seriously, I give up. I give up on pleasing you and pretending to be a good girl wherein fact I am not from the start. People change but apparently, I did not change for the better. I changed because this is what I WANT.

I don`t want any grudges after this. I want peace. Or might as well silence and acceptance. That`s all I ask from you, isn`t that easy? If you can`t, we better be less than strangers.

Bad guy
Thursday, January 13, 2011 12:25 AM
I missed you blog. You`ll be having your anniversary next month. Ahihi.

It`s our term break. One week. Like fyeah, sucks right? I spent 3 days at school. Monday was course card distribution. Didn`t make it on the dean`s lister again.
Today, I went to school for adjustment. I need to delete subjects due to financial problem which was the problem that I`ve been wanting to tattle about (see prevous post). So there, I spilled the beans. Since my dad died last year, we were on the rocks regarding money. I had a hard time adjusting from the spoiled bitch life to this life. I just want to pursue my studies that`s why I insisted to just delete my subjects and give me just half of my original allowance. CSB, please grant me thy scholarship next term. It`s really a hassle and heartbreaking because instead of easy-going life, I think I shall take summer classes to keep up with my friends and the subjects that I withdrew. I`m really hoping that our house would be sold already. I don`t need for people to empathize with me. I can do this and I will finish my studies in De La Salle-College of Saint Benilde. You might see me as arrogant. Heck no, persistent is the term.

A big GOODLUCK to me for the upcoming years. FIGHTING!

I shall spill about the new guy on my next post. Haha.

And this what keeps me busy + Invincible Youth & Dream High. Ze life ♥

I want you
Monday, January 3, 2011 4:15 PM
I am dying to rant about this personal problem of mine but I am too ashamed and scared to even at least admit it. Considering that I have enemies who read this blog. However, I will keep my mouth shut until everything`s official.

Sorry blogger if I`d been ignoring you. I`ve been hypnotized by Twitter and.. Tumblr. P.S: Addicted too.

I am trying hard to blog so long. I came up with the idea that I can only blog long posts when it`s about my love life. Boohoo. I don`t want to bore you again with that, that`s why I am trying hard to blab about nonsense things like my life.

It`s the start of our finals tomorrow which basically means, Christmas break`s over. FOOK YEAH. Ta ta. I must stop slacking off and hit my books now. AS IN RIGHT NOW.

Start everything right
Saturday, January 1, 2011 3:05 AM
Happy New Year!

Goodbye, 2010. You. You, bitch! You made me suffer. Urgh.

Hello, 2011! Please be nice to me? Be awesome!

The year had gone by so fast, finals exams are awaiting me on Tuesday. Boohoo. What a life.

And..

I`d lost it. I can`t write long posts. :| I shall regain myself. Hang on, dear blog. I`ll be back.