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A message worth not reading anyway

Friday, January 28, 2011 4:53 PM

To you,

Yeah. I chose to just show you my blog instead of saying this personally. Basically because this has been sort of my sanctuary where I can really express myself well and clearly.

The night where you ended things for us was the day that I also realized how much I love you, and as days goes by it grew more. Ironic right, you ended it but it grew more. That`s how weird I am. I wasn`t sure from the start, it was the only way that assured me that what I`m feeling is really love. How come? Honestly, I`ve had crush on you since first term right? Also, the days when we`re teasing each other 'loves' and all that flirting stuff, that`s the start of me liking you. That`s why even before the beach time happened, I already like you. Yes, I may seem a flirt but why will I agree to do that if I don`t like you and I have Andrew? Makes sense, right?

When you confessed, Sir Vincent was right, he saw a different reaction from me. I got confused, and I left Andrew without thinking twice. Then we saw each other at Mcdo and everything fell into place. There, you know the story why my feelings are strong.

That stuff that Jax was telling you about me asking something and that I should have prepared myself for the worst, I thought by asking those would make everything okay but it turned the other way around.

You still love me (not sure) or so I thought. But the thing that scares me is you forgetting me. I know it`s over but it`s one of the things that I wouldn`t want to happen that`s why I am like this. I can`t turn off my feelings suddenly.

I hate you, I do. In a different way I guess. I hate how you feel that I am not the one for you. I hate how you left me and shouldered all the blame when everything is clearly not just your fault. For all the girls you`ve had a relationship with, I believe that they don`t blame you for what you did. Maybe at first but in the end I know they`re grateful at least you`ve been together.

Why can`t I let go? Because all I wanted was a try. I don`t care if I`ll get hurt. I`m used to it. I know it`s not a good excuse but I am someone who doesn`t think twice for risks, I am not someone who gives up easily. Yet, you didn`t gave me the chance or even at least ask me if it`s okay for you to go. How can you be so sure that you`re the only one who might fuck up in the end? You see, it`s me who doesn`t deserve someone like you. You decided for my own good, is that what you call a bad guy?

On a very different note, something that would contradict everything that I wrote in the first part.

I`ve come to realize that the only reason why you gave up on me so easily, it`s what you`ve been rubbing on my face for quite a while now, MAYBE..

..you`re clearly not that in love with me. And maybe this was just some sort of misunderstanding, this is just INFATUATION to be exact. Because if this was real, you would have fulfilled everything that you said to me last week. Something like you can`t afford to lose me. Remember?

To sum this all up, I just didn`t want you to go, you`re not the only one to blame and I am so in love with you.

I don`t know if you`ve understood my point but I hope you do.

Everything written here is nonsense since we`re over and you`re not coming back, right?

Nevertheless, thank you for reading. It`s the least thing you could do anyway.