Unforeseen change.

Make me your lady

2011-12-11T18:44:00.002+08:00

I'm so sorry if there are still readers left. I still have no net and it's killing me. It's been 5 months!

Here's a rundown of what happened in those months.

My love life is exactly not fine but very complicated. I can't explain it here because I don't have the guts and most importantly, I DON'T WANNA BE JUDGED.

It's just I can't have the one I love again. Same old same old.

Studies. I've been a scholar since 2nd term. It was a great help. But still, I'm gonna be delayed for 2 terms or even 3. Since I'm specializing in Culinary Arts, I wasn't able to get my majors because of a pre-requisite subject. All my majors are pre-requisite to that subject. Dammit! And I wasn't able to encode on time, sections were dissolved for that subject. So lucky me. Boo hoo.

Family. Still the same. Overprotective forever!

AAAAAND! I'm finally 18. I'm legal. I didn't get anything I want for this birthday. I didn't get my dream BlackBerry, which I was rooting for since I entered college. I didn't get my hair permed which was my dream ever since high school! FMLLLLLLLLL!

Oh well. It happens. Sucks to be me.

Look who's here

2011-09-27T21:43:00.002+08:00

Hello readers.

Sorry for the hiatus. I've no net since July. So many things have happened for those months that I was inactive. My love life, family and school. Once everything's okay. I promise to blog everything, every tiny detail.

I miss you all :) I will be back! Promise.

H-O-P-E

2011-07-05T17:34:00.003+08:00

I'm finding it hard to blog here about my unrequited love(lol) because I want to talk in Tagalog but I'm preserving this to be an English blog. That's why whenever there's something that I need to rant on a daily basis or just because my emotions are kicking in so much, I blog it at Tumblr. Forgive me blogger for abandoning you.

Anyway, I'm here to make an English version of my blog post regarding him.

Yes, I finally succumbed to liking him. I always expect things to happen. But I did not expect something like seeing him with the girl he likes which he is courting/used to court. I'm not really sure what to believe. A friend says something while he says the opposite. That's the confusing part. Well, it was silly of me to expect something when what he just said was that, he's not sure if it's gonna work out between them. But seeing them together made my heart broke. I wanted to cry at that very moment.

So at that moment, I decided to forget and avoid him.

While I was watching a movie, I can't forget what I saw. It was just the two of them, they're doing nothing but talking yet I don't know why I find it so heartbreaking. I can't even understand what I was watching because of that. Then I saw him get in the room.. I wanted to run. I wanted to escape. I need to get away but I can't. That's absurd. It was time for them to go to class, I was starting to avoid him but he talked to me and teased me. I was ready to go home when he said that if I could wait for him because he still have a class. I agreed without a second thought. Time passed, we walked back together. It was sort of a heart fluttering moment when we're teasing each other with the semi holding hands? I forgot what I saw earlier that day. All I can think about was he was with me. Not her. He even walked me to Torre Lorenzo because that's where I ride the jeepney. Ain't that sweet? ;____;

Look at what he's doing. It's not easy to not expect. We're always together every Monday and Wednesday :| To top everything, in our class together, he even texted me because he's bored. For Pete's sake we're just in the same room. YOU SEE?! It's very hard to stop my feelings. :(

Can you not let your hopes up because of that?

Trade mistakes

2011-06-30T10:10:00.004+08:00

Everything is really hopeless. Fucking hopeless.

I believed what my friends said that's there a big possibility that he likes me too, because of their eavesdropped moments with him but when when we're alone together, I feel that I'm just another friend. Yes, I assumed things again for the nth time that's why I'm in pain. That's always my mistake. I know. Yet, I can still do something. Right? It's too early.

I'm not being fast here. It's just that I'm starting to like him too much that I want him to feel the same way. Isn't that what everybody's hoping for when they like someone?

These feelings will never be reciprocated. I was dreaming. Everything was a misunderstanding. I thought, maybe.. I was special. I always asked these questions to myself..

Why did he get my number?
Why did he insists on waiting for him?
Why did he sat beside me during that time?

Why did he asked me to cut classes just to to be with him? (FYI, we didn't. We came back, I think he was just joking at that time)

Why do he always ask a favor to be together with him????

WHY?

It made me hope for something else....

But then, reality kicked in. It's just another one-sided feeling :(

Sweet dream

2011-06-26T19:49:00.003+08:00

I've waited for pain to take its toll before I've decided to post this love-oh love- rant.. yet again. Plus, I know I'll be deleting this post soon.

It's been several notable months since I've had a crush, a real crush, not like the crush wherein you just saw him once then huzzah, instant crush. Not that kind. It's like 'liking someone' in a sense that err- I can't barely explain. I've never had this feeling since le Jerome era. Knowing myself, as much as possible I forbid myself to develop feelings to someone whom I know I'm hopeless.

And it happened for the first time. I have a crush and it's hopeless. He's bitter with his ex although he's planning to make a move on a new one. Fail -.- You see, there's no me in the picture. Yes, he was extra friendly in getting my number from a common friend and texting me straight for two whole days but then again, there can't be me.

Why did I let myself to be in this kind of situation???? Why am I such a hypocrite and I let my expectations and hopes get in the way? Why didn't I use this effin' mind?! Why?

....

In the end, the answer is right in front of me. It's my heart who's the culprit and the answer to these endless questions. Or maybe my eyes? Lol. Just making myself laugh.

I knew it, like/love is just an illusion! Lol, that was me being cynical. I hope someone will prove it to me.. someday.

Appa~

2011-06-19T20:02:00.004+08:00

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!

It's been a month since Dad left us. I must admit that I've taken him for granted. He gave everything to me. Everything, really. HE IS SUCH A GOOD PROVIDER. Even though it broke his principles in life. For example, allowing me to go wherever I want, have sleepovers and the like. My siblings never experienced that without being scolded. He rarely hits me which is very unusual because my father is like that to my siblings. It was his way of inculcating discipline to us.. but I got that privilege to be exempted. Bottom line is, I'm really spoiled by my father but I rarely said thanks. Plus, I've never ever said I love you ever since I reached my teenage years. That's where I was awfully wrong :(

I miss him so much not because I'm having a hard time because of everything money-related but because everything's not the same. Although I'm showing everyone a calm facade, everything for me changed because of him. Everything went from heavenly good to dreadfully worst. Seriously.

To everyone, cherish every moment with your father. My father's death was really unexpected. All we thought it was a simple "trangkaso", little did we know that the next day he'll be saying goodbye. You never know when will death conquer anyone. Be thankful and appreciate! :)

It'll be worth in the end

2011-06-12T19:10:00.004+08:00

It's official, I'm not joining the Bohol trip and so I opted for the Tourism Expo. I just had to stop praying and trying because I know everything will just go to waste. On a lighter note, I've made a deal with mom. She'll just buy me a new phone and if God provides she'll let me join the Korea trip next term. My lifelong dream :D

Good thing, my new friends were kind enough to understand my situation even though they're short with one roommate. Oh wells. What can I do? I know that if we have the money, mom would allow me without any hesitation. I just have to sacrifice because I still have a balance for my tuition. I think that's more important and the trip isn't mandatory naman.

I really hope this sacrifice will let me go to Korea! *fingers crossed*

I don't need a freakin' debut celebration, all I want is just to go there. Everyone will say that my dream is too shallow but who cares? I love Korea, not just the k-pop stars (they're just the bonus part), but the country itself.

Everything will pay off in the end, I hope! :D

Taking chances

2011-06-05T20:19:00.005+08:00

This is it. I'm gonna take my chances. Just because I might not be able to join our Bohol tour, my perspective to my future changed.

I realized that I'm gradually losing hope. All I have in mind are short-term goals. What are my long-term goals? To live in Korea? That's too shallow and I don't think that's enough for me to strive harder. I also realized that I should stop. If CSB is not really meant for me, I should not push myself too far. Or my mom. I'm becoming selfish all over again.

That is why I'm planning to take my chances in applying for a scholarship in DLSU. AB in International Studies major in European Studies, since it was my frustration in ADMU, might as well take my chance while it's not too late. I can take Culinary classes after college, right? Maybe pursuing a HRIM degree is too much to handle for my mother. Although, I would love to continue my studies in CSB, I have to think of my future and our financial status. Thinking of my future in CSB is kinda blurry for me. Especially since HRIM (or HRM which is more known in other schools) is getting too common nowadays.

I just really have to take a chance. Whichever school gives me a higher scholarship grant, then I'll go. One thing's that going to remain is.. ANIMO FOREVER.

I'm gonna make you love me

2011-05-27T18:07:00.003+08:00

First week of being a sophomore is awesome! Technically, I still have one more day which is tomorrow; my PE class - before I can officially say that it's over but I've had the urge to blog so yeah.

Being a sophomore is not easy! All my classes are located in AKIC which is quite far from our main building. I need to ride the shuttle but I can't ride it all the time because the arrival is kinda late and there's heavy elevator traffic in AKIC. Thus, making me spend a fortune on riding a pedicab :|

It's also not easy making friends especially if they're coming from higher years and different courses.

I can't believe myself, I am actually doing my homework and studying. Plus, I'm quite attentive in class. And by that I mean I'm actually listening and my mind isn't wandering somewhere. Ain't that an achievement? Lol.

But the downside of all of this is.. 8am classes!! I'm not used to it anymore. One time, I arrived at exactly 8 at Main, rode a pedicab and climb the way upstairs to 9th floor because of the elevator traffic. Tough luck!

I still have to endure it for the next 3 months.

...

I'll share another story about bus conductors. Haha. I don't know, I'm quite fond of one conductor. Don't take this the wrong way. It's just there's this brotherly feeling whenever we talk. Hahahahaha. WEIRD WTF. I just miss my brother.

He could've treat me the bus fare earlier but I refused! I just felt pity you know. He's working hard for his family or whatever and just because we talk for a few times that doesn't mean I should mooch free bus rides. I don't even know his name, vice versa.

Bottomline is, I'm just contented in my social skills between other people but not my same age! (take note of that) I feel like I'll be good in handling employees or colleagues in the future. Hahaha lol.

First day; 4th term

2011-05-23T20:24:00.003+08:00

I'm officially a sophomore!

Though the AKIC life is so tiring. My first day was a mix of good and bad events. The bad events were the ff:

I woke up late because I was pretty much excited the night before that's why I lack sleep, I slept around 12 or 1AM and I had to wake up at 5.
I missed the Jac Liner bus. I promised to myself that I will collect the tickets until the term ends. :( Plus, it goes straight to Vito Cruz, I had to ride a jeepney again.
Since I was in Main and my classes are all in AKIC, I have to ride the shuttle. There goes my mortal enemy no. 2 from college. Luckily, there's still enough seats for 3 persons. So I sat at the very end with 2 persons in between us. Hahaha.
CATHWOR class, I was alone and the friend of mortal enemy no. 2 is my classmate.
When I went back to Main, I saw another person which I dislike seeing. She's a frosh, my high school schoolmate. (I tried to rephrase, if ever her best friend is still reading this)
Forgot to get my lab uniform and the clogs that I ordered aren't still delivered which means executive attire again. I've been dying to use my backpack again and a heels-free day but yeah, it'll happen next week.

The good event was all my professors are fun! No terror. Good vibes! Although, our INSOCIO professor is just a substitute.

I can still say that it went good. So far, I think I'm gonna enjoy it. It's so fun to be a Benildean!

A night in Paris

2011-05-18T14:54:00.007+08:00

I've promised to blog about this. So cheers to me in keeping my promise.

Last May 14, 2011, I was invited to a debut in Manila Hotel. It was an honor to be invited to that debut. It's my dream debut! I must say that it really is EXTRAVAGANT! Their family splurged a lot of money on that event but I guess it doesn't matter given that they are a Chinese family. Even Jay-R of Party Pilipinas was invited. (can you imagine how dumbfounded I was when he surprised the debutante?!) Every girl is in envy or should I say, only me? Haha. The very highlight of that event besides the debut itself is reuniting again with my high school friends! By that, I mean complete! Such a glorious day.

Prior to the debut, we had a sleepover first at Jemil's house and the day of the debut we transferred to Reena's condo in Taft which is more accessible and near to Manila Hotel.

Here are some of the photos of our sleepover/debut:

On our way up to Reena's condo.

Lunch at Dats Mix. Touring Kat around Taft :)

Supposedly, we'll go to Kyss Bar located at Makati Ave. but when we got there we weren't allowed because we're minors. Hahaha. Better luck next time. So we just went back to Taft and enjoyed a hearty snack in Starbucks.

Me and John-joe with my cake pop! Finally, I get to taste this!

Me and Jemil taking a shot before finally removing our make up.

It was one of the happiest two days of my life. As much as I want to blog about the exquisite food we ate there like what I did in tumblr however I've become lazy because of the blogspot photo uploader. It gives me a hard time to rearrange pictures.

Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to attend more debuts in the future!

2011-05-16T19:19:00.002+08:00

My mom and sister complains that I always talk about food. I always request this and that. In short, I am food deprived.

I'm like this because everyday we always eat chicken that's why I'm deprived. And at school, I can even afford yummy food. :(

Random. Wow, it doesn't feel right to blog in blogspot anymore. Whyy?

Through the trees

2011-05-07T20:23:00.003+08:00

Been hitting the new blog post button for like 5 times but I always fail. I had a lot of attempts in writing but motivation won't kick in until now.

I can't seem to find any thing or event worth writing about.

....

Oh well, school's about to start in less than 4 weeks and I'm not enrolled yet. On the other hand, summer vacation is boring. The only positive thing in my summer that WILL happen is on the 13th to 15th. Maybe I can write something again after that happens. I've been trying too hard.

WE'VE GONE WICKED

2011-04-25T22:17:00.007+08:00

I had an awesome day with my best friends!

We ate lots of food today. We made (or should I say, I MADE lol) Wicked Oreos, a famous dessert ever since we got into college. The original recipe is from Flaming Wings! (advertising yo) Everyone who's reading this should try it out or you can make your own :)

Even though we just hang out, it was still fun because who could not miss their high school friends? I've spent 4 years of my life with them. Whew, this is becoming mushy. Heeee!

Anyway, I got my course card in NATSC13. I got a 2.5. :( But I got over it quickly. I realized that during our NATSC13 class, my mind is always wandering or I'm reading a book. Haha. It was my fault. Hey, I'm still lucky to even get a 2.5. Science is never my forte. :))

Goodbye for now. I'm feeling sick suddenly :(

Anyhow, looking forward to our next gala with my high school friends.

Danger

2011-04-18T23:10:00.005+08:00

Done with NATSC13 finals. I got a 38/68 in our online final exam. I know.. I failed. Passing score is 42. But! When our professor calculated all our scores, tadaa! 2.5 final grade. I'm so happeh! *u*

These are my expected grades:

NATSC13: 2.5

ORALCOM: 4.0

PEFORTS: 3.5

RECONSE: 2.5

I hope these will be the real grades that will show up in my course cards, still positive for RECONSE grade to go higher though. :)

Dr. feel good

2011-04-16T21:00:00.004+08:00

Feels like it's summer vacation already. Since I only have 4 subjects this term, I don't have a hectic schedule. Done already with PEFORTS finals where we had to play a basketball game. I think we got a 3.5. Also in ORALCOM, we haven't done anything in that subject though.

Here is my awesome schedule:

April 18 - NATSC13 finals (02:00-04:00PM)

April 28 - RECONSE finals (01:00-03:00PM)

May 3 - Course Card Distribution

See, it's like vacation already because of the long gaps. I'm praying for high grades although NATSC13 makes me nervous. My midterm grade was 2.5, I just hope it won't drop to 2.0 or else I'll die.

On a different note, I'm so unproductive. I've been stalking Tricia Gosingtian for the whole day. I love her, and Ateneo is my dream school (always will be) that's why I am so interested in her blog. I've learned to curl my hair using a hair straightener, awesome right? Can't take a picture because I've no decent camera.

I want to have her closet. It's to die for!

How I miss buying branded clothes :( When we can still afford expensive stuffs I'm into gadgets and Converse shoes though and other sneaks. I only buy clothes when it's my birthday, recollection, Christmas and other days which we need to dress up and I only buy at People Are People, Penshoppe, Bench, Human or Freeway. That's why my closet is nearly empty because I don't buy stuffs which aren't branded and as I've said I buy clothes rarely. But now that we're broke, fashion trends changed a lot. I've discovered shops like Topshop, Forever21 and Zara where clothes costs double than the shops which I've said. I'm so into fashion naoooooooo!

Can't stop ogling to some pair of Toms. I've been dying to have a pair since June last year, my mom promised to buy me one (she doesn't break her promise) but yeah Dad died 9 days later. If it didn't happen, I could have 2 pairs by now (not bragging, I JUST WANT ONE FOR PETE'S SAKE)

Doc Martens boots. Acid washed jeans and shorts. Cropped tops, bodycon dresses and other stuffs which Tricia have (lol). I want all of those! I COULD HAVE THOSE if..

BUT!

Although I WAS (though I know I still am) a brand-conscious freak, I've learned my lesson since we got broke. I've learned to appreciate things at bazaars and department stores. And all those branded stuffs are just like a dream to me. Nu ni nuuuuuuuuu.

Just let me fret. That's all I can do now. You can see me as some spoiled brat/materialistic bitch. I don't care. Everybody has wants, right? I just choose to blab it here because only few persons know me personally and who might *fingers crossed* NOT judge me. I don't want to say this to my mother because I know deep inside she'll feel bad. Soooooo fret fret fret *n*

I'll have those when I'm earning my own money. Huzzah!

Memories; where'd you go? You're all I've ever known.

2011-04-10T20:41:00.004+08:00

My title comes from the lyrics of Memories by Panic! At The Disco. It's such a great song.

As I opened this, I didn't know what to write. I almost stared in the computer screen for like 5 minutes or so?

What's happening to me?

I eat when I'm bored even if I'm full. I'm hating everyone even if they're doing nothing to me. I always want to go home early.

I am losing myself.. gradually. I'm hurting. I don't know why. Wait, the real question is, 'by whom?'. I miss you. I miss the feeling of being in love. To be able to smile again without hesitating if it's real happiness or not. I am longing for your presence. I may not love you anymore but I miss the feeling of being loved. Of being wanted. (hahaha I'm so weird right now)

I wonder if you still think about me, and that's what hurts the most. Knowing that I will never ever cross your mind again for the same reason as mine. And I don't even know the fxckin reason why I'm hurting now.

....

Less than 3 weeks before our much-awaited summer vacation. As usual, I'll be staying at home for that 3-week vacation. Our internet's connection might be disconnected for awhile. Geez, just thinking about it makes me insane. What can I do? I have to sacrifice it for my allowance. I cannot walk from home to Manila. DUH. Patience..

One day, that day shall come. I just have to stay strong and work hard to achieve my dreams.

This can be the end of me

2011-03-27T19:20:00.003+08:00

I just received a crippling blow in my future.

Benilde will be accepting scholarship applications for sophomore students during 1st term of SY 2011-2012 and it will be effective on 2nd term. Which means I might not be able to get enrolled for this term due to financial problems. I had withdrawn 3 subjects this term, I don't know for next term. I've enlisted and will be encoding a full load next term tho. I'm still worried. Although Mom told me that it's too early to say and since installment is now allowed because we're already sophomores, there is a 50-50 chance. I don't want to withdraw any of my subjects again, and I really really still want to study. 1 more term, please. Lord. I don't care if I'll be going solo in almost all my subjects, I just want to stay in Benilde :(

I'm becoming optimistic with all of this. I don't know, when it comes to educational issues I'm scared to imagine negative things. Like, what if Mom can't find a way which means I'll be filing a Leave of Absence, stop for 1 term and probably die the next day. I don't want to think about that. Whatever happens, happens. Ayoko lang mangyari yung mga negatibong bagay. Denial? Carelessness? I don't care. They said, prepare for the worst.. but I can't let the worst to happen to me. I can't and I won't be able to recover.

Intuition

2011-03-27T16:08:00.003+08:00

Maybe I don't love him, I just miss him. I resorted in telling those things maybe because I was overwhelmed by his presence. By us, getting to see each other again. It was just a spur of the moment feeling.

I just miss him. That's all. I'm taking everything the wrong way.

The feeling went away, suddenly. I don't know. I'm not sure if it will still come back. I hope not!

Goodbye

2011-03-25T22:39:00.002+08:00

I am deleting A-related posts because he doesn't deserve a place here and maybe the other two guys who's in the same boat. I want to forget my ugly past with them. They aren't worth it, they left me. End of story.

Dreaming dream

2011-03-25T21:18:00.005+08:00

I've got so many ideas in mind, for me to write about, but here I am stuck thinking of sharing it publicly and writing intently to please everyone. I always end up writing what I have not planned from the start, the thoughts won't come. Thus, making me write about something else.

Shiz. Anyhoo.

I have to be myself. Which I am probably not for the past few days.. years to be exact. I need to find myself. I need to be myself.

My enemy is myself. Seriously. I want to start over again. Start anew but that means a lot. It requires a lot of responsibility and adjustments. (See, I don't know what I'm talking about right now. I was supposed to blog about my love rants but it turned out like this.)

Love rants: I think I'm still in love with this guy which I did write about here. A LOT. Nearly 3 years on August but still the feeling stayed. I just recently realized it. I don't want him back and I'm not madly in love with him either. I can measure it by 30% but it's still love, right? So it still counts. It saddens and pains me to realize that he can live without me. Again. My same old rants, 3 months ago and last year before we got back together for the last time.

I thought when I had flings and mutual relationships with other guys, I already moved on. Yet, I was wrong. I almost told everyone that I don't love him anymore. But it's just.. the feelings won't go away. It's just there, it may have lessen a bit but it didn't go away entirely. I just didn't acknowledge it. I taught my heart what to feel, not hear what it feels. Makes sense, right? Ewwwww. I'm sounding like my old self - love maniac.

I tried to be like him. I tried not to care about love at all. He's the reason why I don't believe in love anymore. Because he doesn't, and that just sucks. I wanted me to be the reason for him to believe in love again. Because in some part of my heart, I want him to love me again like the old times. Oh God, this is mushy I know.

Cheers to all the long lost broken-hearted people who thought they had moved on but merely nothing can change the fact that it's still the same guy or girl.

This post is idiotic and crazy. Don't know what's gotten into me to write about him again, I really thought I was past this phase. Surprisingly, I am not. Not yet.

Saengil chukha hamnida

2011-03-03T20:25:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday DAD!

I miss you and I love you! Take care of me wherever you are.

Dance with my father again

2011-02-26T01:32:00.003+08:00

I have so much to tell, yet my mind is still so unorganized.

This issue ticks me off a lot especially when people barge into my life and starts blabbering tons of trash information about me. Like bitches, you don`t even know me. You could know me through false rumors and such, but the real me? Oh c`mon. You can`t even consider that as to knowing someone.

I just want them to stop!

...

His birthday will be on March 3 already.

Lately, I`ve been missing Dad a lot. I admit that when he died, I never felt this grief and longing for him. Everything was normal not until my life started to fall apart. He was the one who made this life so easy, this family to be intact and myself to be complete. I really admire how he handled this family. He did everything for us. One time, I stumbled upon his letter for us when he was still on board. It said something like, forgiving my siblings and giving them a chance to change for the better and that he`s always on our backs. He might have done wrong to us always but we also did the same, yet he`s willing to forgive us. He also said that he knows he will not live longer because of his health condition. He`s not the showy type but he do love my Mom so much and he wants me to continue giving him high grades and graduate because that`s their dream for me.

He was so important to me but I neglected it because I was blinded with those material things. Sucks to be me. I didn`t realize it when he was still alive. I haven`t said that I love him. I miss him.

Keep calm and carry on

2011-02-24T00:09:00.003+08:00

I have never thought that I will be included in a fight where I don`t know who my enemies are. It was a first time - that I have been reprimanded for my grammar.

Why can`t they leave me alone? R and me are finished, it`s almost a month now. They keep on telling me that I am just hallucinating and I am just making up stories between R and me. They don`t even know a single thing. I just want them to stop accusing me. Even though I don`t know who they are, I want them to know that I don`t want to stoop down to their level of stupidity, foolishness and insecurity. Been there, done that. It`s tiring.

I just felt so bad because of those haters on formspring. Anonymous tho.

Just needed to vent something in here.

`Cause baby, you`re a firework

2011-02-20T13:01:00.005+08:00

Last night was fun!

Morning: We went to Tour Travel Expo at SMX Convention Center since it was a requirement for P-TOUR. Although I didn`t take it, they begged me to come. So I did. It was awesome, I saw the Korean booth and I almost ransacked the leaflets. Then we walked a lot more, we saw different booths from around the world. We got stucked to the Japan booth because they were hosting a game. Me and Diane won 3 out of 5 questions. I won a bag in the Jankenpon(rock, paper, scissors), courtesy of Japan Airlines. Cool! It would be more cool if there was food tasting. Haha.

Those black pumps killed me.

Afternoon: Billiards then Jade`s condo. House party! :))

Night: We watched the Pyromusical Competition. We were only seating at the seaside because we only got Gold tickets for only 200 bucks. It was still awesome btw. Portugal was ze best for me. It was grand and there were fireworks on the water. UK focused on being in sync with the music. They played Firework but it wasn`t meant for my jaw to drop, I expected a lot tho. Anyway, I`ll be back on the 5th! Philippines FTW!

Can`t I love you?

2011-02-17T23:44:00.002+08:00

Karma`s a bitch.

R`s with someone else. A left. Okay. Tough life. What is heartbreak. Okay, love. I get it. I`m done for now. The next time someone will like me, I WILL IGNORE THEM. Ugh.

Don`t leave

2011-02-14T22:07:00.006+08:00

Happy Valentine`s Day!

As usual, I celebrated my valentines day with my friends. Our only guy friend gave us flowers, Ferrero and cookies. He`s so thoughtful, right? He made my dream come true tho. It`s the first time I received flowers from a guy, well it`s a friendly gesture but it still counts.

Anyway, my valentine date ditched me - A. He didn`t text me or what. I guess what I did last month was really hurtful to him, that`s why he can`t love me again? Or maybe it`s still the high school girl ever since. I was just a rebound. I don`t know. It`s okay because I don`t love him. There`s just a teensy weensy pain; it`s just a phase - I hope.

F*ckin perfect.

2011-02-12T23:02:00.007+08:00

New blogskin <>

Please help me to earn. I signed up in Nuffnang, please click the ads whenever there`s one.

....

Today, we had a road trip to Sta. Rosa Laguna.

at De La Salle- Canlubang. We visited Katrina`s school.

at Nuvali. Shopped at the Love Bazaar!

at Paseo de Sta. Rosa. Ate Korean Ice Cream and looked for Jemil`s dress.

at Mcdo Belair. We pigged out before going home.

It was really fun. I can`t even find the right words to say. I guess this is an early valentine special. Haha.

Maximum capacity

2011-02-11T20:08:00.004+08:00

I need to vent everything here. Starting from my two best friends, I really thought they were the one. Yet lately, things are rocky between us. I`m being left out once again.

Julia, we always fought about some petty things and she annoys and irritates me all the time. I hate it whenever she`s in a bad mood and she`s like about to kill someone who will block her way. She`s so selfish, a bitch and insensitive. Whenever we fought she never apologize or even look sorry. She treats me like some girl whom she can be bossy around or even belittle. She doesn`t even realize how insensitive she is and goes dramatic over petty things which doesn`t even reach the worrying stage.

Diane, she`s the one whom I was very close with. Ever since she had a boyfriend and even now that they broke up, she`s still the same. Whenever I share something, she always look uninterested. I really feel that she slipped away already from me. She was the always one who knew first everything about me regardless of whatever story it is. But now, I feel uneasy in sharing it to her.

They are always together, and me, the third girl in the picture is slowly being removed. I don`t know if they are feeling the same way, or they just don`t care. One thing`s for sure, even though I may have said a lot of bad things about them and you can consider this backstabbing.. I still want them in my life. I do want to fix everything. Yet I`m afraid that if I open up this, it would cause a fight. Maybe there`s no problem at all and I am just overreacting. Phew.

--------

Mom. She changed a lot since she had a stroke back in 2009. Her left hand is still paralyzed but she can now talk clearly, almost back to normal just her hand.

I really wanted to write about this for a long time. I just had this urge now.

I miss my mom so much. I miss how I used to sleep beside her and she rubs my back. I miss how we hang out and shop at different places. I miss eating with her in fine dining restaurants or even just at the dinner table. I miss how she worries about me all the time. I miss how she spoils me. I just miss the way we`re mother and daughter.

But now? We don`t even bond. She`s always irritated and annoyed because of our financial problems. She thinks of me as a daughter who never changed. The past Edz who was spoiled, insensitive and who just thinks for her own good. I feel like I am just a nuisance and a burden to her. Maybe if I die, she`ll be happy once again because all she`s left to do is recover and make herself healthy again. She, no longer have to think about someone besides herself.

I am really struggling to be good. It`s very hard on my part to get used to this life. I admit, I am really spoiled back then. I am an envious person. I always imagine what my life would be if we were still rich.. My gadgets won`t be sold one by one, I could still buy branded clothes, I could still have a full allowance, I won`t be an irregular and lastly, I could go to our Bohol school trip.

Everything`s impossible now. I know, we`ll somehow recover from this. But I can`t help but give up. How long? How much do I need to suffer?

Is this really worth it?

Or worst, is this really the life destined for me?

Forever, is it?

Another year

2011-02-10T23:15:00.002+08:00

LATE! It should have been on the 3rd of this month. Maybe that`s why I`ve been itching to blog for the past few days. Anyway..

HAPPY 3rd ANNIVERSARY TO MY BLOG! ♥

To my readers,

I love you!

사랑합니다!

Mahal ko kayo!

-Edz

Wait

2011-02-10T22:35:00.002+08:00

It`s Valentines Day on Monday, a big deal to the world. For me, it is not. Really. Although I may get envious at that day, given that I`ll be seeing lots of couples around, or single girls having their suitors packed with gifts and flowers. Oh, I shall spare you with the bitter details.

Since I got my heart broken for the nth time last month and things between Andrew and me are falling into place once again. I`m quite sad with this situation. It`s because A`s here again and I`m confused with my feelings because I know I still like R. I appreciate A`s effort yet I am making the same mistake again, approaching and talking to him first and abusing the fact that he loves me. I don`t know, I know deep inside I haven`t completely moved on. I always hope that I`ll see R everyday, I still look at his profile, keeps track if he`s online and still having those missing heartbeats whenever he talks/teases me. I find myself guilty for indulging myself again in a 'something stage' with A wherein fact I would still chose R over him, again and again even if it means repeating the cycle.

I am a monster. A bitch. Why can`t I fix and sort out my feelings first. Thus, preventing myself for being selfish and hurting someone again..

You see, sometimes it`s much better to not have someone in your heart. No pain and heartaches.

I abused the word again.

Note: Sorry for my love tales, my life is uninteresting.

Terrified?

2011-02-05T22:29:00.002+08:00

I moved on faster than I expected. Maybe that`s the reason why I`m happy all of a sudden.

Although I still get bitter when I get to read something about him and the girl, but it doesn`t hurt so bad unlike the first time I`ve discovered what`s going on.

I guess, I`m getting better. I hope this goes on :D

We must reinvent love

2011-01-29T22:57:00.003+08:00

Now, I`m so confused.

I am confused about infatuation and love. I don`t know what`s real anymore. Or if these feelings that I`ve felt for my exes was real. Did I really loved them? Because if I really love them, we should still be together right now? Is love really present or it`s just overrated? For every relationship that ends, it`s not real love? Because if it`s real they would have done everything to save the relationship and stay forever.

Wow. With everything that has happened, I gave up on the idea of love. The reality of love. The trueness of love. Or if it even exists. Everything is just infatuation? I have not yet come to that point that I really love someone?

Even my longest relationship wasn`t real because we just broke up. And now the recent one, if he really loves me he would have done everything. He`s too scared to hurt me in the future because he`s worried that his love will go away eventually. That is because what he was feeling is not really love because if it is, we`re still okay now.

I have read every conversations, and now I know everything. I even asked my ex and I can say that he does not believe in love too. I kinda agree with him.

LOVE IS NOT REAL, ISN`T IT?

I don`t care if you`ll contradict me or what, but I just think this way. Maybe.. just maybe there will be this one guy who will prove me wrong. My soon to be husband. But that will take a long time.

A message worth not reading anyway

2011-01-28T16:53:00.011+08:00

To you,

Yeah. I chose to just show you my blog instead of saying this personally. Basically because this has been sort of my sanctuary where I can really express myself well and clearly.

It`s not the thought of her replacing me, the thought that hurts me.. is that you keep on saying you`re not good enough for me but there you are, crushing on someone else. Truth is, I just want to be her. I wanted to be someone you`re not staying away from, you`re drooling at, you are talking to and someone you`re wasting your time on. Someone you`re comfortable with. Unlike our relationship which cannot even surpass the friendship stage. It`s how we turned out.

The night where you ended things for us was the day that I also realized how much I love you, and as days goes by it grew more. Ironic right, you ended it but it grew more. That`s how weird I am. I wasn`t sure from the start, it was the only way that assured me that what I`m feeling is really love. How come? Honestly, I`ve had crush on you since first term right? Also, the days when we`re teasing each other 'loves' and all that flirting stuff, that`s the start of me liking you. That`s why even before the beach time happened, I already like you. Yes, I may seem a flirt but why will I agree to do that if I don`t like you and I have Andrew? Makes sense, right?

When you confessed, Sir Vincent was right, he saw a different reaction from me. I got confused, and I left Andrew without thinking twice. Then we saw each other at Mcdo and everything fell into place. There, you know the story why my feelings are strong.

That stuff that Jax was telling you about me asking something and that I should have prepared myself for the worst, I thought by asking those would make everything okay but it turned the other way around.

You still love me (not sure) or so I thought. But the thing that scares me is you forgetting me. I know it`s over but it`s one of the things that I wouldn`t want to happen that`s why I am like this. I can`t turn off my feelings suddenly.

I hate you, I do. In a different way I guess. I hate how you feel that I am not the one for you. I hate how you left me and shouldered all the blame when everything is clearly not just your fault. For all the girls you`ve had a relationship with, I believe that they don`t blame you for what you did. Maybe at first but in the end I know they`re grateful at least you`ve been together.

Why can`t I let go? Because all I wanted was a try. I don`t care if I`ll get hurt. I`m used to it. I know it`s not a good excuse but I am someone who doesn`t think twice for risks, I am not someone who gives up easily. Yet, you didn`t gave me the chance or even at least ask me if it`s okay for you to go. How can you be so sure that you`re the only one who might fuck up in the end? You see, it`s me who doesn`t deserve someone like you. You decided for my own good, is that what you call a bad guy?

On a very different note, something that would contradict everything that I wrote in the first part.

I`ve come to realize that the only reason why you gave up on me so easily, it`s what you`ve been rubbing on my face for quite a while now, MAYBE..

..you`re clearly not that in love with me. And maybe this was just some sort of misunderstanding, this is just INFATUATION to be exact. Because if this was real, you would have fulfilled everything that you said to me last week. Something like you can`t afford to lose me. Remember?

To sum this all up, I just didn`t want you to go, you`re not the only one to blame and I am so in love with you.

I don`t know if you`ve understood my point but I hope you do.

Everything written here is nonsense since we`re over and you`re not coming back, right?

Nevertheless, thank you for reading. It`s the least thing you could do anyway.

Black and white

2011-01-23T11:40:00.004+08:00

I`ve had my fair share, I do think it`s time to give up now. I will erase every negative thoughts I`ve had for quite some time now. Forgetting is the simplest and easiest way possible.

I`m just tired of trying and all. It was worth it in the past until it was once okay but it wasn`t worth to continue. The process was tiring.

I am frustrated and devastated. I might regret it at some point in time, but I`m sure it`s not today nor tomorrow.

(This is not about a guy)

Subject rants

2011-01-22T19:47:00.004+08:00

First week was awesome. I got no terror professors, they all seemed to be so kind. I need some challenges tho. My ORALCOM professors in both lab and lecture, doesn`t really care about grades you just have to be always present I guess. PEFORTS professor is the same, you just need to perfect your shooting skills since we`re all about basketball. RECONSE professor is also about attendance. And his quizzes are always take home. NATSC13, he`s kinda challenging because we`re gonna tackle Ecology and all those eco-related stuffs.

I wish I took up BMAT and CHEM. That would be really really challenging. Our chemistry is General and Food Chemistry. Since I`m planning to take up Culinary Arts as my specialization, that would be very interesting in my part and my passion. P-TOUR is Principles of Tourism which involves a lot of trips around the country. I REALLY WANT ALL OF THOSE SUBJECTS. I`m really dying to have 20 units. But yeah, it`s done already. I am poor, I can`t do anything now.

I was not welcome

2011-01-18T21:36:00.004+08:00

I can`t say that this will be the last but allow me to write because it`s hurting me a lot.

I can`t comprehend why these thoughts are bothering me.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I learned it the hard way.

I wasn`t trying to reconcile. I tried proving my point. I have my reasons for not wanting to reconcile and I don`t have to explain it because clearly, you can`t even accept and respect my opinion. All of them were against me, so how can I even gather the courage? I felt so helpless. I felt so bad. I felt that I was against the world cause apparently they were too many and I was just one.

Friends do comfort each other but they do not make decisions for one another.

Why will I force them to welcome me back, when even in the first place they can`t accept me because I have changed? I do have my friends who also hate the same thing but they accepted me because they know I chose it on my own will and they didn`t force me. They know it`s beyond the line to interfere with personal stuffs. I am not saying that I`m doing a good thing but I just want them to understand me.

Anyway, I`m thankful and grateful for everything.

Friends if you still hate me and say bad things about me after reading this, it proves that you didn`t open your heart to forgiveness. You still chose to close your mind and didn`t give me any chance. By that, I will not think twice and end our friendship.

Go ahead and tear me apart

2011-01-17T20:07:00.003+08:00

Awesome start for my third term.

Although I got jealous because they already got their Chem uniform which resembles a chef uniform. I should`ve taken that but yeah, it`s expensive. I can`t wait for fourth term. Overload. Scholarship. Chem and P-Tour. Expensive subjects but certainly fun. Ugh. But fuck I withdrawn P-Tour which was a prerequisite subject :| Good luck, I will be late and I`m not following our flowchart.

I hope until the end, this term will be awesome.

How can I?

2011-01-16T13:21:00.004+08:00

I do put random titles on my blog.

Anyway..

It took me a long time to contemplate on what I`ll write about. Le sigh.

I feel so messed up. I feel incomplete. I got what I want. I got into third term, I have him. Yet, there`s something missing. And I can`t even figure out what the fuck it is! Or maybe I know.

I just want to be happy. Without anybody judging me. Without anybody saying bullshit to me behind my back. I just want no one to care. Just for once. It feels like I`m locked up and repressed from my own goddamn freedom.

Sometimes I dream of going to an island with just me and the beach. Soul searching? Yes. There, nobody would give a fuck on what I`ll do and probably I don`t need acceptance from any one.

I have a lot of problems but they keep on multiplying. I even have problems which should not even count as a problem! Fuck that. I`m becoming miserable. Please, I need a break. Give me a break from all your prejudices. You might hate me after reading this. But seriously, I give up. I give up on pleasing you and pretending to be a good girl wherein fact I am not from the start. People change but apparently, I did not change for the better. I changed because this is what I WANT.

I don`t want any grudges after this. I want peace. Or might as well silence and acceptance. That`s all I ask from you, isn`t that easy? If you can`t, we better be less than strangers.

Bad guy

2011-01-13T00:25:00.004+08:00

I missed you blog. You`ll be having your anniversary next month. Ahihi.

It`s our term break. One week. Like fyeah, sucks right? I spent 3 days at school. Monday was course card distribution. Didn`t make it on the dean`s lister again.

Today, I went to school for adjustment. I need to delete subjects due to financial problem which was the problem that I`ve been wanting to tattle about (see prevous post). So there, I spilled the beans. Since my dad died last year, we were on the rocks regarding money. I had a hard time adjusting from the spoiled bitch life to this life. I just want to pursue my studies that`s why I insisted to just delete my subjects and give me just half of my original allowance. CSB, please grant me thy scholarship next term. It`s really a hassle and heartbreaking because instead of easy-going life, I think I shall take summer classes to keep up with my friends and the subjects that I withdrew. I`m really hoping that our house would be sold already. I don`t need for people to empathize with me. I can do this and I will finish my studies in De La Salle-College of Saint Benilde. You might see me as arrogant. Heck no, persistent is the term.

A big GOODLUCK to me for the upcoming years. FIGHTING!

I shall spill about the new guy on my next post. Haha.

And this what keeps me busy + Invincible Youth & Dream High. Ze life ♥

I want you

2011-01-03T16:15:00.003+08:00

I am dying to rant about this personal problem of mine but I am too ashamed and scared to even at least admit it. Considering that I have enemies who read this blog. However, I will keep my mouth shut until everything`s official.

Sorry blogger if I`d been ignoring you. I`ve been hypnotized by Twitter and.. Tumblr. P.S: Addicted too.

I am trying hard to blog so long. I came up with the idea that I can only blog long posts when it`s about my love life. Boohoo. I don`t want to bore you again with that, that`s why I am trying hard to blab about nonsense things like my life.

It`s the start of our finals tomorrow which basically means, Christmas break`s over. FOOK YEAH. Ta ta. I must stop slacking off and hit my books now. AS IN RIGHT NOW.

Start everything right

2011-01-01T03:05:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year!

Goodbye, 2010. You. You, bitch! You made me suffer. Urgh.

Hello, 2011! Please be nice to me? Be awesome!

The year had gone by so fast, finals exams are awaiting me on Tuesday. Boohoo. What a life.

And..

I`d lost it. I can`t write long posts. :| I shall regain myself. Hang on, dear blog. I`ll be back.

Joyeux Noel

2010-12-25T01:57:00.002+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I hope you`re having a good one. I`m not having a good one tho. As usual.

I am missing A right now. I feel unusual today, like maybe I`m falling in love? Gaah.
I`m so confused.

Anyway, have a happy Christmas ♥

Anywhere but here

2010-12-21T23:20:00.002+08:00

I miss you.

I miss how you make me laugh although I get mad a lot. I miss the way you tease me. I miss your kiss. I miss your hug. I miss the way you held my hand. I miss the times when I sing a Korean song then automatically you will follow with the next line. I miss the times when we fight and make up. I miss talking to you all night until you fall asleep. I miss the times when we`re together. I miss hearing your crazy laugh. I miss saying I love you, randomly.

I miss you.

Yet I did wrong. How can I possibly have done that when deep down inside, I can`t accept the fact of living without you? How can I hurt you with everything I have?

How can I like someone else when I know that it`s you whom I really love. Foolish of me.

I`ve been loving you for 16 months already. I guess you just loved me for 10 to idk months. That was random.

Like how I am randomly typing and pressing backspace a lot.

I want to write, I want you back but that would ruin everything I`d put up. A good facade of pretending to let go.

Good day

2010-12-17T13:47:00.005+08:00

Everybody`s having their Christmas break now. We, Benildeans still have 1 week to go to complete our requirements and the shit. Instead of having fun and slacking off in Christmas, we still have to study for our finals on January 3-8. Especially me, I got a failing grade in POLIGOV. 1.0 WTF? It`s a passing grade but for me, HELL no. I`m aiming for 2.5. I need to perfect my exam, impossible yet it`s the only way :|

YAAAA~ Trimester sucks!

After 132184613868 days, I got my Starbucks planner! :>

3 consecutive years, oh yeah! :)

Temptastic

2010-12-14T22:51:00.003+08:00

Starting today, I`ll change my ways.

I can`t blog wordy posts. Just keeping this page alive.

I miss this. I promise when this term is over, I`ll blog a long one. I`ll be back :>

I quit

2010-12-12T00:04:00.001+08:00

I fooled and cheated him.

I will take responsibility for this. He already left me, I can`t blame him. Blame it on the alcohol. ROFL. Blame it all on me.

Free wired

2010-12-08T23:35:00.003+08:00

I don`t know what to say, I am not good friend to anybody. That is the sole reason why I never felt that spark to anyone I`m close to be my best friend. I don`t see any need in having one.

Yet, things change. I found this group of people. My girlfriends at college. Different. We misunderstood and fought with each other a lot but still we reconcile. Somehow, my feelings change when something`s wrong but in the end it goes back. I`ve never felt that way before.

When I fought with someone during high school, one way or another the hate or whatever I felt that time will remain for the rest of my life..

I don`t know! Just when I found my best friend, something is happening. I`m better off alone.

Sorry, I just can`t explain it clearly. I want to blog about a lot of things, but my mind won`t cooperate. I`m sleepy too. College`s life been sucking the life out of me. I don`t know how will I manage my time properly and how will I regain my sleep? Dramas are arising everywhere. Love is making me confused as always. (I shall keep quiet about this for a while, when I get things straight that`s when I`ll tattle about it. )

I want this term to end already. I want 2010 to end!

Seventeen forever

2010-12-05T23:17:00.002+08:00

Got older yesterday.

We had our immersion until 3 so there were really no celebration at all. All I did was cry because my boyfriend and I just fought for the whole day. When I came home, my family were preparing some foods so I was quite surprised. My brother did everything. He gave me money, he bought me wine and a birthday cake. I was really touched.

My boyfriend celebrated my birthday today. I went there at UPLB. We fought again for the whole day. Mood swings times two equals boom. Ha ha. Good thing, it was resolved. He just gave me a unique gift.

Nevertheless, it was the worst birthday ever. I haven`t received gifts or any surprises from my friends. Sucks to be me.

Yeah, I`m greedy. But who cares? I didn't received anything tho.

I miss my old life. < /3

I wish

2010-12-01T21:37:00.001+08:00

Welcome, December.

17th birthday is on the 4th. Hoping for good things :| < /3

I love you and I love you

2010-11-20T22:45:00.003+08:00

I don`t know what to say.

Hoping for good things tho.

11 months of being together. 4 months of break up.

But here we are, officially together again.

Destiny? :">

Move on

2010-11-15T22:56:00.006+08:00

We all want to be part of their lives because we made them our world.

Why do feelings cannot be reciprocated the way we want it? I`ve been dying to achieve that. These are some animosities in life.

Although, I failed. A lot of times.

I will not try no more. I`ll abandon the place I thought you once ruled..

Yet I end up in the same place, facing the same mistakes, same heartbreaks and the same old cruel guy who does not appreciate the love he's receiving.

It is now when I became selfless. I fight the pain when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry these tears away.

I pray that when I saw I`ll go, I mean it with every fiber of my body. Discard thoughts. Throw away memories. Leave for good. But those are the things, I have actually done but was put to waste because of such action of making me believe that you still love me.

It was foolish. Inhumane.

To hurt me like this! Show some mercy. You took the risk of hurting me, I took the risk of mending my heart back. Unfair and stupid.

Only because it's still so raw and real. Soon I'll just be a series of images that sometimes flash through your mind, when you least expect it. And after that, only a few will stay. Then, one. A memory of a memory.

This has become gibberish. My apologies.

Wipee

2010-11-07T19:02:00.002+08:00

I`m glad it`s over.

We`re really better off as best friends.

It hurts

2010-11-07T16:22:00.004+08:00

Maybe this is not what I wanted all along.

Maybe I was just blinded between loving and being desperate.

I am not happy with this relationship. This is going nowhere.

Third chances are not like the first or second. Third is the worst especially if you separated for three months and there was someone who took your place, all those months.

I don`t know anymore. I was contented when we were best friends, I stopped asking for more. I stopped wishing for him to come back especially when I liked someone else. But then he`s my boyfriend again, I have to. He needs to do his responsibility, he was the one who initiated this being together again. Some effort please. I DID NOT FORCE HIM TO COME BACK TO ME.

So why the hell am I running after him again?

We were happy when we were best friends. Always happy. Our relationship today is like the days when we were about to break up last July. It`s just plain bullshit.

I have no idea that this will be more painful than before.

It`s too lae

2010-10-24T17:06:00.004+08:00

I`m so mean. I deleted my blog posts about D, it was humiliating really. I just find it revolting that I assumed that I love him? WTF. DISGUSTING. And he is such a gross kind of boy, not literally though. The way he act and talk is really so revolting.

I am abusing the world revolting here. Ha ha.

I have tons of work to do but I am here, typing this and slacking off. Never forget this -procrastinating. I shall continue and do it tomorrow.

I would just like to share some photos. I find my blog so wordy that`s why it needs some color.

On alternate, as you can see in my outfit. October 22-23, 2010.

I love my girlfriends, I love college! :">

Blockmates that I love.
Girlfriends. I love them the most ♥

I`m so happy I could die

2010-10-23T18:08:00.002+08:00

Irony with the title.

Gaah, I`m losing topics to write about my life. It`s always about my love life. Srsly, my life has no sense of direction nowadays. I`m starting to get giddy. I don`t know why.

Wow, it`s even taking me a long while to finish this. The people around me is just too noisy, I can`t think well.

Oh good, they`re gone. Anyway..

I`m not in the mood to be random today. Wtf. I do think it`s all about him. Why I`m feeling apathetic, hopeless and sad. God, if only I can shut off my feelings for him. I shouldn`t have watched his video, I really have a weakness on drummers.

I`m over indulging myself on love. That`s how I`ve always been.

I am this. Like clay. Can be molded in a bad or good shape. My life is like that, inconsistency at its best. Even in just a span of two minutes, my day could be ruined like that or I can be the happiest girl on Earth.

I have a writer`s block now because there is a flying cockroach. And that can make my cry. Srsly.

Bye.

I have really let my walls come down

2010-10-16T19:05:00.003+08:00

I`ve become the girl I hate.

And yes, I am making a public confession. I tried ~~smoking~~. It was just for a while but it felt like I`ve done a grave and mortal sin. I`m not an addict but it just bothers me that my self-control is going down the drain. It was not peer pressure, it was me - the girl who wants to be reckless.

I`m losing control on studies. I promised I will redeem myself. I will be on the dean`s list now, no more 2.975 average - last term I didn`t make it. I was short. Anyhoo, Algebra is sucking the life in me, I can answer the easy ones and I need a whole lot of time to decipher those frakken equations. I`ll be one lucky ass to pass Algebra. Oh goodluck, midterm exams are fast approaching. Fingers crossed!

Health`s not okay too. Must lose weight. My tummy got bigger again. Fuck college. I don`t know why I always get hungry. I even cut classes just to eat. This is not good.

Love life`s still the same. Broken as I can ever be.

Friendship are on the rocks. I don`t know how I really feel about it. I won`t spill anything here, it might cause a commotion tho.

I just hope I can get my life back on track in no time. Perseverance and patience, I need you.

I let my walls come down

2010-09-17T14:50:00.003+08:00

In just a few days, my term break would be finished.

It was just boring. All I did was watch. Nodame Cantabile. Yes, I`m on Japanese now.

Chiaki & Nodame. ♥

Well, I`m a little hyped up for 2nd term. :-@

ALGEB-X and POLIGOV. Yay. I should warm up my brain now. Yeah, I`m hyped up because on my first day, R and me will eat together at lunch. OMOOOO :"> I wish for kind professors and awesome 2nd term. Weee. :>

Ignite the light and let it shine.

Better in time

2010-09-12T12:02:00.004+08:00

I`m done trying for D, he`s such a playboy. There`s not even a chance in Hell that we`ll see each other. I just don`t care anymore.

Jerome and me are best friends right. I don`t know why I`m slowly accepting that it`s over. I`m happy that he`s a friend to me, and he misses and loves me. As a friend, don`t get that wrong.

We had a conversation and it goes like this.

Me: Why do we always fight and we still end up with each other? I mean is when I`m at fault I say sorry and vice versa.
Him: Maybe because we still love each other.

We then laughed together although that made my heart flutter a little bit. :)

FRIENDSHIP WAY, OKAY? I mean we`re not together right so it`s not an obligation and best friends do fight even for a long time but we can`t get enough of each other. He he. Is that a good thing?

I want to use Bella Swan`s line to Jacob. "I love you but I am not in love with you."

I`ll back so you can live better

2010-09-10T19:36:00.004+08:00

Term break = DAILY DOSE OF BLOG POSTS.

I miss this sanctuary of mine. \m/

Tomorrow is our course card distribution. I`m really nervous. I really really want to be a dean`s lister. Please? :)

We visited Dad earlier. I was praying hard and I was on the verge of crying. I miss him. :'(

I`m so sorry

2010-09-09T15:36:00.002+08:00

Daddy`s 3rd month death anniversary today.

I dreamt about him last night. He gave me a lot of ballpens, the expensive ones.

I wonder what does it mean?

I should study hard?

Life would be much better with him still breathing with us. :'(

I messed up again

2010-09-09T13:37:00.008+08:00

It`s been a while. A series of up and downs, downs and downs.

1st term is over. On Saturday we`ll be getting our course cards, fingers crossed!

I`ve learned a lot on our first term. Of course it paved my way in adjusting to college life. Courses were difficult especially General Psychology. I met my true college friends. Girlfriends! I`m hoping for a flat 3 or above GPA and no subject grades lower than 2. Please, FILIP11, GEPSYCH & NSTP bear with me.

Though 2nd term schedule is rubbish. Saturday classes for NSTP. I`ve been persuading mom for a condo unit with blockmates but we still haven`t find any cheap units that will consume our limited budget. I`m also planning to apply to Starbucks Taft for a part-time job.

Kat turned 17th! Yihaaaaw. We had a sleepover at her house. We swam, had a photoshoot and we didn`t slept that night. She drives crazy, I`m envious. :3

I know this crush ain`t goin` away

2010-08-26T18:28:00.002+08:00

I have this huge crush on someone. I soo like him. OMAYGAS :">

He`s from UPLB *not again* Haha. He`s a blockmate of my ex. I know. I know, it`s not right. BUT! I can`t resist him. He`s too handsome e. :">

I still love my ex though, but if this guy likes me.. IT WILL BE AN AUTOMATIC MOVE ON. Harhar. For sure! Although I am still hurting about my ex`s new crush/like/love, yet this guy is getting my attention. Instead of crying over my ex again, texting him is the alternative. Ohh lala. I think I really need to go back to UPLB to meet him personally.

Please. Lord, I deserve to be happy right? I`ve been hurting for a long time to a person whom I think is not even worth it. He left me for his studies right, if you remember. After a few weeks, he realized he felt lonely that`s why he thought of getting back with me.. BUT! He found that girl. That girl, in his description seems ugly to me and he even admitted that I`m more pretty than that girl. Kaso love nga naman. LOVE IS FCKIN BLIND. It hurts, ya know. I`ve been wanting to say that I still love him and I want him back and then boom he has a girl na.

ANYWAY. WHY THE HELL DID I RANT ABOUT MY EX? THIS SHOULD BE ABOUT MY NEW SPECIAL SOMEONE. :">

Unchain my heart that`s holding on

2010-08-19T23:34:00.003+08:00

In a few minutes, August 19 would be finished. A year ago, it was the most happiest moment in my life. And as time goes on I`ve been dying for August 19, 2010 to happen. The most anticipated day had come.

I thought we would at least surpass the 1 year mark, I guess I just expected too much.

I can still vividly remember how I said yes to him. It was so surreal and we were so in love.

But today, all I feel is hurt and pain. I finally realized that it`s over, and there`s no coming back. It`s been 1 month since we broke up, but this is just the day that I felt that I should stop. I should stop loving him. I`ve been wishing that maybe on this special day, our supposed to be anniversary he would come back. I was out of my mind to even dare think of that. It was beyond impossible.

Even after 5 years, he won`t come back to me. He said we broke up because he needs to focus on his studies, that`s why he will forget about me. He might love again, but not me. So after 5 years, I am nothing to him but just merely his first love or an old acquaintance. `Di na niya ko babalikan kasi nga nakalimutan niya na ako e. He said it himself, we will not be together again. Never.

That`s why I am giving up. I would not reminisce everyday yet maybe once in a while. I will focus also on my studies, be a dean`s lister and get a scholarship. And maybe, just maybe someone will come along..

This is also the day that we`re confirmed as best friends. This is for the best, right?

I still love you, Jerome Aquino.

I guess this should be the last time that I`ll mean it.

Superhuman

2010-08-08T13:31:00.003+08:00

COLLEGE ♥ HF23

BS - HRIM

De La Salle - College of Saint Benilde

We do ordinary things, extraordinary well :)

A little space

2010-08-06T23:47:00.002+08:00

I guess, he did gave me a real closure. A closure that meant it`s really really the end and there`s no coming back. It was supposed to be a break up email but I asked him to read it.

I cried because of everything he put there.

He said he knows how much I love him but his love for me is not enough for him to hold on to us, to love me back and endure the long distance relationship. That`s the sad truth. I guess everything was just not meant to be.

11 months was wonderful but it wasn`t meant to last for a lifetime.

I miss you not because you’re gone but because things between us aren’t the way they used to be. I’m sorry not because I’ve hurt you but because I have fallen for you when I’m not supposed to.

...

I know I`ve been ranting about him since God knows when but you can close this window and not read it if you`re sick of my rants. Hey, it`s my page.

A-yo

2010-07-31T19:02:00.002+08:00

I don`t know what`s real or what to believe anymore.

I thought everything was okay now. He just promised for me to stop. To stop bothering him from his studies, for me to shut up. For me not to be hurt.

...

I experienced a one of a kind and most heartbreaking moment in my life.

He cried and pleaded.. for me to let him go. T___T

Angels cry

2010-07-22T19:58:00.003+08:00

We`ve broken up the day after our 11 monthsary. :|

I know I blogged this a lot of times already and we always get back together. But I think now, it`s real. It`s been two days since the break up and we never broken up for that long well except for the incident last year. He`s not even contacting to me. Usually when we break up and it`s just because he was so mad, in just a span of few hours he will come back to me. But it`s already two days.. I guess it`s really over.

I did him a favor, I was the one who broke up with him because it was the right thing to do. He`d given up already but I still chose to force him. For 1 week before our monthsary, we were just together because I don`t want him to leave me. I broke up with him because it was really hurting me so much, for him not having any time for me because he was studying. He`s not doing any effort anymore because as what I said I was just forcing him, he doesn`t want to be with me anymore and his love for me was slowly dying. And he really wants to focus on his studies but I was interrupting it. Nasawa na siya sakin.

It really got complicated when he studied there. Maybe if it was in Mapua, I wouldn`t have to bother his studying time cause we`ll go home together. We`ll see each other often and the love won`t disappear.

He doesn`t want me back, I`ve asked him yesterday and earlier this day when I was tipsy! :)) He rejected me. Not really rejected. I was just asking a question not literally getting back with him. I asked him if he really doesn`t want to come back, it was an experiment but his answer did hurt though.

I HATE IT. I can`t move on. We had so much memories. I love him too much, isn`t it obvious? Aigoo. I don`t know. I hope I`ll forget soon.

This is really goodbye, isn`t it? :|

I love you so much, Jerome Valencia Aquino. I wish you`d come back but it`ll still be complicated, right? Maybe not now or maybe never. Who knows if we still have a chance? I`m still hoping as long as I love you. If you came back then maybe it`s really meant to be, if not then I guess I have to forget you.

Aigoo. TT_TT

It was..unusual.

2010-07-17T16:53:00.004+08:00

I visited him again yesterday due to our postponed field trip. It was tiring and different. :|

What we`ve done? We ate, talk and walk and walk and walk.

It was different because of a lot of reasons. For the first time in our relationship, we ran out of things to talk. He changed a lot. We were sitting at the Freedom Park, it was like he`s there but his mind was somewhere else. I was pissed off because we weren`t having any physical contact to each other. Okay, pardon me we were that couple ya know. I mean there`s no fckin people and he can`t even hold my hand? Unlike in high school, we are so ~~PDA~~. I`m confused because there, we were not known by anybody. It`s like 1 out of 10 people can know him there unlike in high school everyone knows us maybe not our name but our faces. I suddenly realized. AM I BECOMING A MANIAC? A skinship maniac? What happened to me? Why am I having the urge to link arms, hug or even kiss him? Am I being a psycho? Why is he rejecting me? WHY?! So many questions that day.

One thing that strucked me was his words. He said, "Did you just come here for that?". OMFG. I was gobsmacked. I was like punched straight to my face. WTF, I wasn`t like this before. One thing he didn`t realize why I`m like that is, I really miss him and all. I was longing. I was deprived. When I got home, he said he wanted to hold me but there were too many people. For God`s sake, we walked at a dark , long path with only two or three people passing by is that what you call TOO MANY PEOPLE?

WTF. Did I just really became a maniac?

It`s like he`s from the province and he`s conservative and I`m studying in Manila and I became liberated. That`s what happened.

I so loathe myself. I became a maniac. I wanted to kiss my boyfriend. IT IS IMMORAL! *sarcasm at its best*

Or it`s just.. everything really changed? And I should go with the flow, pretend it`s okay.

Love 100%

2010-07-12T20:19:00.005+08:00

Aigoo. No time to blog. I`m so busy with my life.

Midterms week. :|

What I`m dealing with.. and other subjects. I want to pass!

I just want to share my 1st sleepover experience. GAAHHH. After so many years, I was allowed to come. Hurrah! I really had fun with my friends, I miss them. :|

Busy! Really.

July 12 - 15 : Midterm exams.

July 16 : Field Trip

~~July 23: Will visit at UPLB.~~ ♥ HAHAHAHA excited for this.

July 24 : Tree Planting Activity at Batangas.

Adventure

2010-06-26T10:47:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I went to UPLB to visit my boyfriend. :)

Long jeepney rides. GAWD. I was almost lost. It was my first time to commute in going there. I stayed in Mcdo for a while cause I was there so early before his 10:00-1:00 break. People were really studying unlike in Mcdo Taft, just chatting and meeting up with friends from nearby schools like me! :))

We went to Robinsons [which was smaller than SM Munti] and Olivarez [which was like a tiangge]. HAHAHAHA. Meanie. He bought me a ring. It was so beautiful. :"> Bracelet nalang complete jewelry set na. KIDDING :)) We also went to his dorm. I was amazed because it was like a village, there were so many dorms, food stores and people. Obviously we didn`t went inside because it was an off-limits dorm but looking from afar it looks beautiful. Then he has class again, I waited for 3 hours on a place which I`m obviously not familiar. Di niyo kaya yun. 3 hours! :)) I was surrounded by studying students. =)) Try to go in our CSB library, only few students are really studying. Then after his class, we were together until 7. :)

I realized he changed a lot. WE changed a lot. He`s more like ruralized and I became more "maarte". I came there with make up on, dressed up like I`m going to party and holding my bag in a "maarte" way. We`re like two individual persons now.. but STILL.. brought together by love. GUMAGANUN. :))

I wish he would visit me too! HAHAHAHAHA. Ehem.

It was worth the 3 hour wait.

I`m on my way to believing

2010-06-20T18:42:00.004+08:00

I HAVE TO BLOG THIS. Haha :))

All I ever thought was my boyfriend will be studying at Mapua Intra. He`ll just be one LRT station away and we`ll ride the bus home together whenever our schedule permits us to. But UPLB gave him a chance. I recently learned it 2 days before UP already start their classes, he said he was given a slot. The next day he was enrolled and the day UP started its classes, its also the start of his classes. GAWD! It was so fast and I`m really really shocked. Like WTF, in a span of 3 days our lives changed! I know it`s for the best but I can`t help it. I`ve been saying to myself, wait `til July we can be together already. I`ve been looking forward to it since-God-knows-when. Then in just a snap, see you maybe once a month or not. Eff. He stays in a dorm that`s why it`s hard. Our only way to communicate is thru text. For 5 years. FOR FIVE FREAKIN` YEARS. We`ll just seldom see each other.

And one fckin thought here is whenever I text, call or messages him on YM. He`s always on the rush because of homeworks. Whenever I prolong the conversation he`ll get mad. Aish. Sorry for CSB`s light workload unlike for a UP student. Geez. Most of the time, I`m just slacking off that`s why I`m always bothering him. I`m a stupid student.

This is hard.

I can`t help but be envious of my college friends who have boyfriends which are at the same school or nearby. They fetch them, bring them to school, that stuffs. They text nonstop even at the same school. Pffft.

5 years.. 2 weeks just passed and I`m barely hanging on.

He left a dollar under my sheet

2010-06-20T17:36:00.003+08:00

I`m back.

I`ve been very occupied by school and a lot of stuffs.. or I just got lazy in writing blogs. Neither. :))

Have you heard the news? Maybe if you are really my friend.

~~My dad died last June 9, 2010.~~ Because of heart attack. I`m still coping with it. Although, it was really a shock to us. We all thought it was simply overfatigue but geez, life is really unexpected. I believe that Dad already had the time of his life. He suffered heart attack when I was still very young and he undergo angioplasty, I think last 2007? And now, 2nd heart attack it was time for him to rest his heart. Even though my Daddy was annoying yet he loved and cared for me everyday. I remember during first week of college he always accompanies me to the tricycle station and always cooks me breakfast even though it was really early in the morning.

Happy Father`s Day Daddy. I miss you so much. Even if it`s too late to say, you are the best for me and I love you. T___T

Now, Dad`s gone. Financial problems. I don`t know if I can still continue my study in CSB. I need to get a scholarship. It`s pressuring me. From luxurious life to thrifty life. We`re selling some stuffs like our 2nd car and the house of my sister which was provided by my Dad. Life is hard without Dad. He was our ONLY breadwinner. Supposedly, he should be coming back to work but it was too late. Regrets. But yeah, life goes on..

SCHOOL SUCKS. But 4 days of classes is kewl. :) That`s why less burden.

My boyfriend and I celebrated our 10th monthsary yesterday. It was full of fights and break up attempts lol. Atleast, we carried on. I love you, yeobo! :">

Random thoughts..

We do things extraordinarily well

2010-06-04T19:19:00.004+08:00

1st week in college = FUN & TIRING.

I survived my first day. Awee. :>

No terror teachers for me. Atleast it`s what my first impression, or maybe not.

Monday.
First day. Met my new set of friends. The one I met in facebook and girls which are crazy like me and tadaa, we related to each other. Corporate attire was shit. Haha! We had lunch at Rob Manila, it was tiring to walk with heels. Arg.

Tuesday.
Same same. =)) Already adjusted well. Experienced riding LRT for the 1st time. Cool. :> No aesthet teacher. 3 hour break. Cafeteria was loaded. Tambay in library. HAHAHA!

Wednesday.
Stubborn kids. Almost all of HF23 wore casual, and of course I`m included. Lol. We had lunch near AKIC campus which was so far from the main campus. Had our night class of PE. We were late, we didn`t find the Badminton Court. LOL. Damn. But thanks to the pep squad for their interruption with our class. GAWD! I got home at 10PM. So haggard. :|

Thursday.
Last day. \:D/ Casual wear again. Aesthet teacher was ROFL. =)) I didn`t went with half of my friends in Rob instead I just stayed with almost all of my blockmates, we ate at Tokyo Tokyo. HAHA. Then library cause some of them haven`t finished their psych homework, I just talked with my boyfriend there while pretending to find books. =))

FRIDAY-SUNDAY. 3 day WEEKEND! LOVE IT. For 3 months izzzz it.

I`m gonna try out for the pep for scholarship. I want to have one, so that I`ll have money for a dormitory or condo. But my parents won`t still allow me. OVERPROTECTIVE!!! :| I`m trying hard to persuade them but I can`t. So I guess, I won`t do well.

I`m loving college? NAHH. I hate studying, I hate travelling! But I love my blockmates.
No math for this term. Yayyy! :D

Follow up

2010-05-24T19:49:00.002+08:00

We`re not the same as before.

The cheesy and sweet couple. Two crazy love birds who`s madly and deeply inlove with each other. Inseparable. Unbreakable.

We`re not like that anymore.
He`s not like that anymore.

Maybe to each other, it`s still SOMEWHAT the same but in public.. not anymore.

Can it still go back as it was before? If we see each other again, could it bring back the lost spark? Just like what happened last month when we saw each other, but it was temporary `cause there`s no assurance of a next time. But now, we are free. Can it be?

Nobody told me it would be easy

2010-05-24T19:18:00.003+08:00

Love.
Love has kept me busy for 9 months. The ratio of pain and happiness is 2:1.

Sometimes, I wish that I should`nt have let myself fall. I want to give up, I want to end this pain. I really want to yet I can`t. I tried ignoring, I tried telling myself this isn`t worth fighting for but it just all comes up with one answer. ~~I can`t because I love him so much.~~

Everybody was right. At first, it`s overflowing with happiness but as your relationship goes on it`s slowly losing its spark. That`s the fckin truth. He asked me, what happen to us? I asked him, what happen to YOU? It`s not us, it`s only you. I don`t know if I`m making any sense right now, I just want to write everything I feel.

This being-apart made my love stronger and had tested my patience. I wish it could happen to him also but I can only wish. I am not really at ease right now. Although, I trust him there`s this feeling that maybe he`ll fall for somebody. My mom said, "Sa umpisa lang masaya pero sa huli nawawala rin yan. Nakakasawa lalo na pag may mamimeet kang iba." That strucked me. Because that`s a fact that I`ve been trying to ignore, trying not to believe in, fooling myself that it`s not possible.

I don`t know when will I give up, but I can feel it. Sooner or later, this will be over. :( ~~I hope not.~~
I`m so tired of the pain. Whenever I tell him to tell the truth, when he already said the truth then my reaction is bad he will take it back. Tell me, how to know what to believe in?

I`m lucky if this will last a bit longer. This is the problem of being apart, they may suddenly get used to the idea of living without you. That`s a sad fact.

But..
I can`t live without you. My all is in you.

Sharing

2010-05-23T14:57:00.001+08:00

Photos of my CSB-Facebook friends.

Benildean

2010-05-21T18:56:00.003+08:00

I had my Frosh orientation yesterday. It was sooo fun. HF23. :>
Had fun at the classroom interaction with blockmates. Eventhough, I had a bruise because of the game. Lol. As usual, awkward moments. Good thing, our orientor was so lively and energetic.

MOA after with CSB-Facebook friends. I like them more than my blockmates. Lol. Yeah, I first net them at facebook and look at us now. \:D/ I like them because of my crush? JUST KIDDING!

Tiring though. It`s so hard to commute. :|
I want a dorm or condo. GAAHH.

I`m proud to be a Benildean-Lasallian. :)

La La La

2010-05-14T10:09:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I finally got my ID! But I have no intetion to place it here.
Also my Alumni ID last May 12. Yeah. \m/

I will rant again..

When will I be enough? Why`d you have to do it again? I love you, I gave you my all. Why? Tell me what`s wrong? Tell me what am I lacking for you to be contented in us. Tell me..

I know you`re sorry. I know you realized it again, that it`s really me. But why am I hurting?

I don`t know if my trust is still enough.

I don`t really know. T______T

Benildean

2010-05-07T20:55:00.003+08:00

I forgot to blog about my enrollment day last May 5. So preoccupied with my lovelife, geez! :))

Dad accompanied me, I wish he didn`t! GAWD. We rode a bus, but we didn`t go straight to CSB. We first went to Faura something because he needs to exchange the dollars to peso for my tuition fee. Ate lunch at Rob Manila. Got there at the exact time, 1:30.

Requirements. Payment. ID picture. Medical & Dental Exam. Funny, I forgot my 1x1 picture. I don`t want a pending case so I went outside to get my picture taken. Thanks to RUSH ID photos! \:D/ Medical was uhhh. Breast exam, ROFL. Finished at about 5:00 pm.

I can`t really remember the exact details.
I`ll have to get my ID on the 12th. RAWR! Dad wants to go with me. NOT AGAIN. PUHLEASE.

Chitty chitty bang bang

2010-05-07T20:41:00.002+08:00

Bumalik siya.

I think he was just pushing me away nung sinabi niyang di na niya ko mahal. Bumalik siya kanina sabi niya di daw siya dapat nakipagbreak dahil daw nasasaktan ako.

Kagabi basta tumawag siya, nagsosorry sa mga nasabi niya. Tapos mga madaling araw, tumawag ulit siya tsaka kaninang umaga. Di ba kung ayaw na niya, ba`t pa siya tumawag? Ayun basta ewan ko na kung anong mangyayari.

If this won`t last, wala na talaga kong magagawa kundi tanggapin nalang.

Last chance na `to.

Goodbye, my boy

2010-05-06T13:55:00.003+08:00

Disclaimer: Tagalog/Taglish. Hirap na ako e.

Nakipagbreak na siya sakin. Oo, siya. Hindi ako. Iniwan niya na ko kasi hindi ako yung ideal girl niya at hindi niya na ko mahal. Sinabi niya na ang mga couples during highschool ay hindi naman daw tumatagal. Puppy love lang daw tong samin. Siguro nasasabi niya yun kasi first love niya ko at gusto niyang MAKATIKIM PA NG IBA.

Akala ko tatagal kami, akala ko eto na talaga. Alam kong maaga pa para sabihin yun, pero nagtiwala ako sa sarili ko na mali sila. I can make it last. Yet, I failed but I tried so hard.

Mga masasakit na nasabi niya..

Jerome Aquino: wla k lng skin kya umalis k ng alikabok ka
Jerome Aquino: d aq kumakausap s mga ktulad mo
Jerome Aquino: go away you freak

Mahal na mahal ko siya, grabe. Pero hindi enough yun to make him stay.

He loves SNSD more than me. Isa rin sa pinakamasakit. Iiwan niya ko para dun.

Wala akong masyadong masabi.

Goodbye, April

2010-04-30T00:36:00.002+08:00

It`s the last day of the month. Goodbye fckin boring month. All I did was slack off. Hello May in just a few hours. Hello to college life month. Booom. :>

I just don`t have anything to do right now, I`m just waiting for us to go offline since he`s still watching some SNSD stuffs. I quitted watching the Vampire Diaries, goosebumps.
I`m kinda happy right now, we did it. We survived a day without any break up attempt or any serious fight. Just a little petty argument. That`s an achievement for us. ♥
Eventhough we`re like this, I`m pretty happy cause the love is not dying. The distance just makes us both crazy! It made me kilig when he was angry last wednesday cause I joined a gala with my friends. I was a bit mad at him cause when I`m at home, he just makes me wait and just watching that`s why I joined them. But when he said "Gusto ko akin ka lang, ayaw kong nasa iba ka." Well, that took my breath my away. HAHAHAHA! I was wrong for saying his world doesn`t revolve on me. :o

I am meeting a lot of my schoolmates recently. They`re so many that I can`t remember all. I`m looking forward to Orientation not enrollment. HAHA!
Yeahh, my kpop cds are shipped already. I know, I should`ve been spilling this in my kpop blog but I`m too lazy to make a separate post. 2PM is ♥

Random thoughts. Just killing time. :>

Falling slowly

2010-04-28T23:47:00.002+08:00

It was a fun-filled day. Reunited with my friends. It`s been 1 month since graduation and I`ve barely seen them.

We went to Kat`s house, photoshoot. Love it. GAHHH. Aspiring to be a model. Her mom cooked the best Kare-kare for me. Yum-o! I wish I could cook like that. Envious. We spent a lot of time taking photographs. After that we went to Nuvali and rented bikes. Gosh, it`s been a long time since I`ve rode a bicycle. Trauma, cause as you can read from my previous post last year I had an motor accident. So 2 wheeled vehicles makes my heart thump. Oh, how will I learn to drive in this situation? Ugh. :|

Anyhoo, it was great. I`d love to come back there, if time permits. When I come to think of it, geez. For a few weeks, we`ll be going to different colleges. Although our schools our like neighbors. All at Taft. Well, mostly. Haha! I`m psyched to enter college but I want my friends there. I miss those stress-free highschool life. Is it really like this? So emotional when entering college.

No galas again. Stucked at home. O.O

I`m gonna be okay

2010-04-22T21:30:00.002+08:00

It`s already late and I`m still awake. I sleep late and wake up early. How nice. :))

Bored. That`s why I`m blogging. I don`t have anything to rant about, except my love life. But I`m shy to rave about it or I might say something that will trigger someone to put it up against me. Yaaaa~ That`s how dangerous it is. Haha!

Supposedly, I should have finished 3 episodes of Exploration of the Human Body featuring Super Junior but the connection won`t let me. Bummer.

This summer is just plain boring. April will be finished soon and all I did was slack off, internet the whole day. Maybe it was productive in being a fan? Because I was able to watch what I`ve been missing out and gather information. But you see, as a person. I don`t think I have done anything great. Except for the fact, that I can now control my diet plan. Whoop-de-doo! Whooping 7kg was lost. \:D/ My target is for a 43kg and a 24 waistline. I AM THAT SERIOUS. I am now doing everything I can. Drastic change. New life in college, new self. HWAITING! :))

I AM SO EXCITED FOR MAY 5! Benildeans, ohyeaaa \:D/

....

2010-04-21T16:36:00.001+08:00

Oh, Good Lord.

Why are you doing this to me?

Will I survive? Could I still fight it?

Will I live?

Loooove

2010-04-20T14:21:00.003+08:00

My boyfriend is back.

See his post? Okayyy. KILIG ♥ ♥ ♥
He realized he can`t live without me. Blehhh! When we broke up, he can`t take it that`s why he came back. Now he realized how much he loves me. :D
He`s back to his old self before graduation.

I feel so loved and happy. I`ve never been this happy since the start of vacation. Oh, except the day when we`re together the whole day. Last week? Can`t remember the exact date. ^o~
SO HAPPY XD

8 months :) Forever to go.

I wish we could see each other again. Can`t wait for May.

..

I have headphones now. It`s free from dad`s Hugo Boss. I`m still having a hard time with my iPhone, it`s not user friendly like my iPod touch. >.<

I don`t have anything nice to blog except for the fact that I`m happy. ♥

8eight

2010-04-19T19:55:00.001+08:00

It's our 8th monthsary! Time flies away so fast! Every time we're together is so fantastic. So elastic? Just kidding. I was thinking about this monthsary the other day and thinking that our love has been sort of the one I saw on teen movies. You know what I mean, the girl and guy meet, a series of crazy and improbable events happen, they fight then they make up and end up together. To tell you the truth, I don't see myself with other girls. I can't imagine myself loving anyone else. All those fanboy stuffs are only for me to express my feeling as a fan. You may not find it like that but that is the truth. And I'm also sorry for what I've done to us on the past school year. You know that you are my inspiration and the only reason why I wake up every morning. I remember the day when you said yes to me. It's hard to believe that you picked me. I pinch myself sometimes to make sure it's real!

Happy monthsary honey. I love you so much and have so much more love to give you through the months and years.

With all my love,
Jerome

Dad`s back

2010-04-16T22:30:00.003+08:00

So it was unexpected. Someone wake me up at 5:30 in the morning, said that Dad will be arriving at 8. So we drove up to MOA. Got lost for minutes because we can`t seem to find the ferry terminal there. Waited for 30 mins. We went to their agency, we waited for HOURS. Darn. Ate at Aristocrat. \:D/ Went home at almost 4.

Yay for late grad gift. I exchanged the Blackberry for the iPhone. :)

Went to Edick`s house. Movie marathon. Then at around 8 we decided to eat streetfoods. Walkathon. Went to Pau`s house, played pusoy, monkey? hahaha. And another game which I was the loser. Okayy. Edick accompanied me to our house cause we`re like just a few blocks away. HAHAHAHA :) It was almost 9 when I arrived, I said I was going home at 8. HAHAHA!

And ♥ ♥ ♥.. :)

Sorry for the blab.

Hella bored

2010-04-15T16:04:00.004+08:00

I don`t have anything productive to do.

Fckin slow net. I can`t continue watching Idol World. Eeteuk ♥
I DON`T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO. Yes you! You know who you are, fckin talk to me. :|

I splurged my money on kpop cds instead of a good book to read. I wish tomorrow`s movie marathon will push through. I`m getting insane, rly. I need to get out of this house.

I wish it was like last summer. I have college entrance reviews, I don` envy the incoming fourth year. `Cause mind you, when I was in MSA. It was super boring. Atleast I have an allowance. And I can go to gigs. I miss going to gigs! I miss Pupil & Ely. >:D< Late summer nights at Highstreet, I miss.

I wish it was already the month of May. So excited for enrollment, to meet my schoolmates/future classmates whom I met in Facebook. That`s how techie it is. Hahaha! Frosh Orientation, and last week of May is the start of classes. Oh college, I`m so excited. It`s not that I`m just so bored, but I feel like I`m gonna enjoy it although it`ll be hard but still good vibes, baby.

It`s really impossible to go out of town with my mom`s condition. If I can just do it alone, I`ll spend some time on the beach far from here. Just for a week. To cleanse up my mind or whatever peaceful thing to do.

Assumption College called me. I was really rattled! They asked what school will I be entering for survey purposes. Damn, I thought it was like an interview. I wracked my brain for English answers. Lol.
I can remember when I said, "Unfortunately, I won`t study there." HAHAHA! They asked me why in CSB and my course. Dang. :))

Summer job, anyone?

Just random thoughts.

Love again

2010-04-13T17:11:00.002+08:00

Okay, about sa lovelife ko nanaman to. Kung sawa ka na. Pwede mo nang iclose XD

Puro negative, I know..

Buti pa dati..

Mahal na mahal niya ko as in sobra sobra talaga
May pakielam siya
Ako una sa lahat
Di siya natutulog hangga`t magkaaway kami
Pagkagising ko maraming missed calls o flood text messages
Gusto niya lagi ako lang kausap niya at ginagawa niya lahat makausap lang ako
Hindi siya obsessed sa SNSD
Ayaw niyang nasasaktan at umiiyak ako
Hindi siya nagagalit sakin at mahaba ang pasensya niya
Sakin lang yung oras niya
Nakikinig siya sa lahat ng sinasabi ko
Mahalaga yung feelings ko
WALA SIYANG GUSTO SA IBA

Eh ngayon..

2nd best nalang
Manonood nalang siya kaysa kausapin ako
Hindi daw kailangan sakin lang ang focus niya
Masanay na raw akong ganito siya na parang walang pakielam
Nag-iba na yung feelings niya
Ayos lang kahit hindi kami magkabati, masarap daw matulog
Madalas ng magalit
Okay lang kahit umiiyak na ako sakanya, nagagalit pa siya
Hindi na nagsosorry
Always avoiding the topic
Imba yung reasoning niya, yung super in denial huling huli mo na nga
Hindi na nakikinig sakin

Toink. Hindi na yata to magwwork out e. Sabi ko 2 months lang yung hinihingi ko na sakin lang. Kasi panigurado naman sa college, busy na kami. Mag-aaral na nga daw siya ng mabuti e. Paano pa yun diba? Pero ano? Nood parin, forum parin.

Oo nga no, ako nga pala ang dahilan. WALA AKONG KARAPATAN NA MAG-DEMAND NG TIME. Masyado kasi siyang inlove sakin noon, hindi na siya nakikinig sa mga lesson ganun. Wala siyang nakuhang award dahil sakin. T_T In short, bad influence ako sa studies niya.

Gusto ko ng sumuko. Ewan ko.

From a distance

2010-04-11T23:00:00.005+08:00

It was an unexpected reunion. Though, we`re not that many. It was still fun :)

I was just surprised when Rina, Emman and Seph were calling me. Haha! They said it was Edick`s celebration, because he graduated yesterday. I had second thoughts, and when finally they came back I agreed. Oh, it`s just a few blocks away from our house. Like just the next street. =))
We waited for like 2 hours, they were still fetching the others. Blaaah. Went home at 6pm to check him. HAHAHAHAHAHA. He`s mad at me, eh. Went back there.

GAWD. I missed them. Super laughtrip. Super fun stories. Reminiscing the good ol` days when we`re still young and carefree. Innocence. Puppy love days. Okay okay, I must admit. I had this huge crush with my classmate before but since then someone courted me so I had a boyfriend. When I was already with someone, he suddenly confessed that he likes me and wants to court me. My my, he was so torpe when everyone`s teasing me to him cause they all know I have a crush on him. But when the feeling`s gone. Suddenly, he liked me back. Sheez. Well, if we have already developed the mutual feeling. Who knows, maybe? We could have work it out. It just tells we`re not meant to be. OH! He was denying it earlier. ROFL.

Went home at around 9pm :)

See you at the real reunion.
Thank you. Dhei, Paula, Danil, Allana, Hannah, Tin, Hazel, Rina, Edick, Emman, Joseph, & Ian. >:D<

I love you forever, Jerome Aquino

2010-04-05T19:34:00.003+08:00

I feel so sad. My heart wants to explode. SUPER :o
Another round of depression.

Disclaimer: For him. Iz like Dear John XD
TAGLISH.

I am now fully aware of what I have done to your life. I didn`t thought about for a long time, at hindi ko alam na ganun pala yung resulta. Masakit kasi tapos na nga, I didn`t had a clue in order for me to prevent it. Now, I feel hurt.
Pero I think it`s better this way. We`ll concentrate on our studies. I`m sorry for being the cause of your frustrations and failures. I wish, nung may panahon pa nagawa ko pang pigilan para hindi na umabot pa sa ganito. I promise during college, I won`t demand too much time as what I have been doing this vacation. Pagbigyan mo nalang ako ngayon lang, saglit nalang e. 2 months lang. Hihintayin naman kita ng 5 years e or kahit gaano pa katagal.

I`m thinking what if this will be the cause of the loss of our love? That kind of things. But then, I love you so much that I`m willing to take this risk in this challenge in our relationship. I believe in our love, it`s enough for me para hindi na mag-isip pa ng mga ganung bagay. I love you this much, I`m positive.

I will wait until you say I stop. I hope when that time comes that we could be together again without any hindrances, I should be a better person na for you. As much as I will miss you, I will want to be with you, wala. Susundin kita, mag-aaral muna ko. Tayo. But I won`t break up with you. Yun nalang ang panghahawakan kong promise na magkakasama tayo ulit e.

I believe in us. Just promise me not to fall in love with anybody. Then I`ll be fine.

I love you, Jerome Valencia Aquino. Goodluck in our career!

Sapphire blue

2010-04-03T16:36:00.003+08:00

I haven`t had many blog posts since graduation. So buzy with kpop stuffs. Haha!
Since there`s nothing special happening to me anyway.

So here it is, random happenings in my life.
I`ll jump to one event to another. Lol.

I wanna delete my blog because of my haters. Not because I`m scared. Just because, what I`m posting here, they are using it against me. They act as if they know everything about me. About my boyfriend. About us. ALWAYS ABOUT US. It just means it`s someone envious or really affected of our relationship.
I admit I post a lot of stuffs about us, sometimes its just the result of outburst of emotions. I don`t wanna delete my formspring account because I`m having fun, lol.

I don`t want anyone intruding my life. I guess it`s the consequence of sharing your life in public. I shouldn`t have advertised my blog. I posted my formspring account for just a short time in facebook and deleted, and now I have so many haters. Ke ke~

But I know my hater is just one person. One person, who`s determined enough, who hates me enough to post something like that. I thank HER for wasting her precious time on me. Lol. It makes me feel loved either way.

..
The title of my blog is a Super Junior song. I`m still depressed because I have waited for 4 years and now what? I won`t watch Super Show 2. Sad sad sad. Have pity on me, I DON`T CARE.
..
Gosh. I am now always watching tv. I just have recently watched Step Up 2 & Slumdog Millionaire.
..
I`m losing my appetite since the start of the week. I just eat a half cup of rice. Maybe because of depression or irregular eating time. I dunno. Is it bad? But it`s okay. I lost 2 pounds FTW! :) I wish it`ll continue. Plox?
..
Feeling korean? Me? OKAY! Hahaha! I wanna be a Korean e. BEHLAT :P I`m going to live there, so shut the hell up. Arasso? =))
..
And him. Nonstop fighting everyday. Haha! Mainly because of my jealousy and his being a fan. It`s still okay, because we patch things up easily. I really wanna see him, I can`t wait for Monday. I think after we go to school to get my card, he`ll go here at our house. Weee. ♥
When we see each other, this cold feeling will be removed. I promise that. We just don`t see each other lately and we`re so busy with our own idols that`s why. And don`t think that my boyfriend doesn`t love me, because he do. ;) That`s what keeps us together, keep that in mind hater.

Graduation

2010-03-27T21:38:00.005+08:00

This is the best day of someone`s life. One of the best days.

I can`t really say what I feel mainly because, di pa siya nagsisink-in sakin. Yeah, I have graduated but emotionally I can`t feel it. Or I don`t want to feel it.

I`ve spent 4 years of my life in Colegio San Agustin-Biñan, it`s a short time compared to the loyalty awardess but it still felt like on. I`ve experienced the best and also the worst.

First Year.
Blessed James of Viterbo

First day of school, I didn`t want to enter. The night before that, I was really restless. I kept thinking about what will happen. Luckily, Dhei was my classmate. We have easily related to each other because we`re all transferees. This where I have started my wonderful journey.

Second Year.
Blessed Julia of Certaldo

This is the year where I have adjusted fully to our environment. This was really an unforgettable section. I`ve had the best classmates ever. I was on the Top 10 for all the quarters, hey! That`s an achievement for me. I`ve met different friends, SK ♥ The most thoughtful and loving adviser you could ever have. :)

Third Year.
Saint Ezekiel Moreno

I can say that this is the worst year I`ve ever had. This is the stage where I really felt disappointment and failure. ~~Lost someone back then.~~ This is where I have been so close to my friends, we developed a friendship that`s meant to last. FIRST PROM!

Fourth Year
Saint Ambrose

As everyone says, save the best for last. Right? This is the most challenging, enjoyable, hardworking and heartbreaking year I`ve ever had. This is the year where I really HAVE to worked my butt off just to graduate. Suffered from gossips, rumors and the like. I have really felt like a bad person this year, here I am still gaining myself. Gained someone special. Had my first fight with someone and first visit to the discpline office ㅋㅋㅋ. Best section ever.

To my friends, {Kat, Jemil, Reena, Kate, Jane & Nicole}
I know I wasn`t a very good friend. I have many shortcomings and everything. I am very sorry. I wanna say thanks for everything you`ve done to me, for sticking up with me through thick and thin. I love you so much guys. >:D< We`ll see each other again in college. Manila baby ♥

To Mr. Jerome Aquino, :)
You know how much I love you, right? I never knew we would be together. You were just my crush back then turned boyfriend. Haha. Cool. I want to thank you for loving me, for being there with me, for supporting me all the way, for being my savior and bestfriend. I know you`re trying hard to be the best for me, I really appreciate it. Okay? Don`t think I don`t. I may always complain all the time, fight with you always and always break up with you but deep inside my heart I never really intended to do it. I hope you understand. I wish we`re forever. But for now, let`s enjoy it ;)

I will miss everything in CSA.
This isn`t the end, not yet.

*Sorry, so inexplicable feelings :(

Why is it like this?

2010-03-24T17:37:00.002+08:00

Tagalog, para madrama =)))

Either way, we`re both wrong. We`re both to blame.

....
Imbes na magtampo ako sa mga pagkukulang mo, naaawa pa ako pag narealize mong mali ka e. Di ko naman sinusumbat sayo yung mga pagkukulang mo e. Punan mo nalang. Pero wala narin. Ilang araw nalang. Isa? Tapos graduation then vacation. Lastly, college. Baka nga hindi na tayo magkita e. Parehas lang naman natin sinayang yung oras. Pero ako, binigay ko lahat ng oras ko sayo. Iniwan ko ang ibang tao para makasama ka. Marami akong bagay na hindi nagagawa para lang makausap ka. Wala na akong pakielam sa sasabihin o iisipin ng iba, ang importante kung ano yung sasabihin mo. Pero ba`t ganun? Ako parin yung palaging may kasalanan.

Kung sana hindi lang kita ganun kamahal, edi sa unang beses palang na sinabi kong ayoko na. Hindi na talaga ko bumalik. Pero hindi e. Hindi kita matiis at hindi ko kaya, kasi mahal na mahal kita. Kahit ilang beses kong sabihin na ayoko na. Lalayo na ko. Iiwas na ko. Wala. Bumabalik parin ako. Kahit ang sakit sakit na kasi sobrang selos na ko, hindi ka parin tumitigil. Kung tumigil ka man, isang araw then babalik na ulit. Alam mo yung feeling na sila ganun yung trato mo, pero sakin ayos lang balewala kasi hindi naman ako aalis. Hindi mo na ko pinipigilan, hindi mo na ko hinahabol. Kasi alam mong babalik ako.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kung kailan hindi na tayo madalas magkikita saka ganito. Ako nanaman ang sisihin mo? Pero hindi mo ba naisip, kung wala kang ginagawa hindi ako magagalit?

Either way, we`re both wrong. We`re both to blame.

Kung kaya ko lang, kung malakas lang ako. Titiisin kong wala ka kahit mahal kita kasi sobrang sakit na. Kaso di ko kaya na mawala ka ulit. Hindi mo naman pinapakita na worth it mag-hold on.

Bakit ba ganito? Kung kailan ka nagmamahal ng lubos saka ganito.

Graduation bells

2010-03-20T12:53:00.004+08:00

Several days since my last update here. I`m always on my kpop blog. XD

Teehee. Tonight is our graduation ball. I`m freakin` lazy. I don`t know where I`ll get my hair and make up done, or if I really should get it done. Rather do it myself. I don`t want to go. It`s just in school, I don`t feel like wearing my dress.

Graduation on the 27th. Eep, not yet ready. A week of practices again, so boring. I`m not yet done in completing the subject requirements. Basically, because of all the bookbinded stuffs for the WHOLE section. Arg x]

K.

Goodbye for real

2010-03-10T21:03:00.002+08:00

i just went to SM Southmall ticketnet yesterday. just to check.

for those who are planning to buy gen ad tickets. there are non left. the only ones that are left are the SVIP Seated and the upper boxes. even the SVIP standing tickets are all gone.

-SJUPH

This is real. I give up, it was a lost cause after all. Goodbye, Super Junior. I have waited for almost 3 years. This is my karma. Goodbye, Kyuhyun. On April 10, I would be having the worst day of my life. The day, I will lost half of my existence.

I don`t wanna talk about it, it just breaks my heart even more. T_T

Against the walls. Against your rules.

2010-03-09T17:11:00.003+08:00

Yes. The days are passing by so quickly. Since everyone`s been blogging about this, I`mma join. (:

I don`t want to graduate yet, but I`m itching to be out of high school. These past few months had been real bullshit for me. I can`t tell you, but I think some of you may know. I`M A BITCH. *sighs*
And that makes me sad. Leaving CSA with a huge mark on my identity/dignity whatsoever. It`s unforgettable and uneraseable. It also makes me sad because I`d took care of myself, for the past three years and just because of gossips and haters, I`m freakin` ruined. Everyday I`m telling myself, "This will be over, ignore it, just a few days left." Okay, I don`t want to rave much about that. Life is unfair, right? What can I do? I`ll recover soon. I hope.

I don`t want to be away from my friends. From him. From the place where I felt like a real person. A place I call my second home. I`ve shed 4 years of my life in this institution. Four years of studying, hardships, SHIT and friendship.

Melancholy. :|

BUSY

2010-03-06T19:03:00.003+08:00

It`s been a long time since I`ve posted.
I`ve been very busy lately. Last week was the last week of formal classes.
Next week, it`s our finals. I`m so busy with doing homeworks and completing requirements.

Please let me go to the Super Show. Lord, please SVIP. I don`t want on GA. Please~

Probably, next week I won`t be able to blog daily again.
Oh, and I`m always at my kpop blog.

Busyyyyyy. :|